22 September 2013

Finding Where I Fit

The lights outside my apartment window are so bright tonight.  They're keeping me awake along with the dull hum of life and living things surrounding me.  The machines that carry us home, that carry onto the next great adventure, that carry us back where we belong at the end of it all.  I imagine what each of those dull green and yellow lights are doing, the shadows passing by the makeshift curtains, trying to differentiate between the rooms with one or with two.  The flickering neon brings my two fingers to my temples and I feel the pulsating rhythmic reminder that nothing dies unless you let it.  My eyes continue to dart to the left no matter how hard I try and concentrate, they cling to each movement with slight interest.  The wind picks up and runs through my body like a current, only to be shaken off and brought back down.  On my couch, alone, typing fervently at a too-bright computer screen in a pitch black room, a cell phone across the room that continually beeps and flashes with messages from people I'll never know, people who will never love me.  The only way I don't drown in this overwhelming sense of scrutiny, isolated from so many things that make me feel whole.  Loneliness creeps in again as I notice the double shadows in each apartment window, the sounds of the upstairs and downstairs, the laughter, the chatter, the tears, the footsteps across busy floors.  And then there's me.  Where do I belong?

16 May 2013

Never knew a little from a lot
Grew up in a small house, small town
Now there you are, and here I stand
Asking to give it another shot
At the edge of the playground
Wading deeper into water
Sinking in above my neck
Filling my ears with
The reverberations of the world under the surface
Fill my eyes with something wet
Crying because I can't stop walking deeper
Can you tell the difference
Crazy, I feel
Like this is falling
For you
At the shore's end
Now I've seen what I can become
Don't like myself when you're around
Don't like it when you're gone
 Never knew a little from a lot
Now I don't know nothing at all

11 May 2013

The Worst in Each Other

I want to beat you down
til you're black and blue and
tell me that you love me
can't stand to be next to me
Can't hold a candle to me
even if you wanted to be
couldn't be too far from me
I feel you now - here - 
in the air you're around me
Surrounding me
Positively inside of me
something I could never reconcile
Reckon I might need you here with me
again to be with me
see your face gently
pressed against the
passenger's window of another person's
seat on the airplane
Fly to come see me
Come and rescue me
This isn't right
Need you next to me
beside me
with me

17 April 2013

I Don't Love

You make the soles beneath my feet spin
carry me in directions I wouldn't choose for myself
Take the air right from my lungs and release it through a sigh
if only it felt genuine
if only it emptied me
Of these thoughts that plague me
That let my eyes see the clock pass 2, 3, 4 in the morning
And every day it's the same
Coffee brewing making one cup at a time
if you were here I'd make two
Drinking alone, passing the time, laying my head down
waking up to somebody shouting that it's time to leave
Where have I ended up
What will you become
something great without me
someone great for someone else
And here we are.

06 April 2013

What You Need.

You wouldn't know her if she sacrificed everything for you.  I hold you at a distance so I don't have to feel you, so I can't stop thinking of you.  Not the same as you once were, standing on the other side of a snow blanketed street covered in the yellow light of the street lights... a convenience store selling your perfect poison until two in the morning, waiting for me in the water.  But I won't come.  I'll never be there to fulfill your needs, to answer to your duties, to be the woman that comes when you call.  I'm sorry I can't and my god I wish I could.  I want to love you with everything that I have in me, you hold me in your hands.  Everything that I have inside of me is in your palms, I would give you everything I have to give.  To clap my hands and feel you here next to me.  Your wrist reaching out to mine, my spine curving into yours.  To close my eyes and have you within arms reach.  To let you see me as I am now, to be open and honest and all of the things that make me sick to say.  The distance wakes me up in the morning, the heartache embarrasses me.  I want to hold your hand as you walk through whatever fire encompasses your feet, rehash old memories and look through the glass with a sideways smile.  Knowing you is hard, knowing where I belong is the worst.

27 March 2013

Same Love

No matter how many romantic issues, encounters, debacles and debates I have in my life, none of them will compare to being denied my rights to sufficiently and wholly express my love for another person.  I am (fatally, sometimes) attracted to men, and often times I've wondered what my life would be like if that were not the case.  Usually in a joking manner, like, "having to deal with another woman? yeah right we are awful!"  But on top of that, how would my life really truly be different?  I know my family is loving and accepting and they would love me for the person I am regardless of my sexuality, but what about when I aged a few more years (lets say a lot of years) and was ready to get married?  What happens then?  In my home country, in my home state, in the state I was born in where marijuana is decriminalized and we still can't seem to get a grip on our judicial system and our prisons are overcrowded to the point that gymnasiums are being made into makeshift barracks, if I wished to marry another female it would be barred by law.  Regardless of my own personal sexual preferences, I cannot fully comprehend why laws like these are in places.  Why issues like Proposition 8 even need court cases, why they can even be passed in the first place.


You cannot marry the person you love because marriage in an institution that has been between a man and a woman in our nation's history.  You know what else was institutionalized in our nation's history?  Racism.  Lynchings.  Sundown laws.  Laws against interracial marriages and relations.  Should we keep these things on the lawbooks in our country because they are part of our nation's historical laws?  Does it make any more sense to abide by these laws than it does to deny same-sex couples marriage equality?

You cannot marry the person you love because you cannot have children together.  There are 40,000 children of same-sex couples in California alone.  These children's parents deserve equal rights when it comes to being able to marry just as they had equal rights when adoption or procreation were the case.  Does this mean, then, that we should not allow sterile men and women to marry?  Or if a couple has chosen to not have children, should they be stripped of their marriage license?  Should we deny people over a certain age the right to marry or remarry because they are no longer able to procreate?  Is that any more logical than the former argument?




I try my very best to consider each point of view in any current issue, regardless of my personal stance on the matter.  After considering each side of the marriage equality issue, I cannot find one single factual substantial piece of evidence that would even remotely persuade me to want to deny a same-sex couple the right to marry.  I don't find that personal beliefs or religious values should override logic, lawfulness, or infringe on another person's individual rights.  If I disagree with another person's lifestyle choice, what right do I have to override their personal choices based upon my own judgements and beliefs?  What makes my opinions and values more important than theirs?  Personal values, beliefs, and ideas of normality have no place in this argument, and it seems that the base of all persons who disagree with marriage equality is founded upon those very principles.  To pass laws that dictate the way another person lives their life while causing no harm to you or your personal status is asinine.  Marriage is love, love is marriage, and any two human beings who love each other and want to express that love through legally bound vows should lawfully be able to do so.  I don't see any other way around it.  Humanity is a simple concept.

06 March 2013

Sweet Nothing



Just a couple of words and I'll go.  I know I promised you I would leave, I wouldn't bother you this late at night again, but I give up.  I'm not strong enough to forget memories that grip my legs and pull me to the floor.  Not smart enough to shake off the demons that remind me I'm still alone and you're somewhere out there by yourself, too.  Maybe you could use something like this again, maybe we could work things out and make each other laugh at another point in time.  I don't know what to do if I don't give this one last shot, another desperate attempt to encircle your wrist with my fingers and pull you back to me.  Where have we ended up?  Oceans away and I'm still turning over in bed to see if you're laying there when I wake up hungover at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon.  My feet are too heavy to walk the blocks that take me to your apartment, tonight I'm too tired to force another friendly cease fire.  I just want you to know, I just want to be able to tell you.  I want to bring my broken body to your doorstep and have you put me back together again.  I want to understand why you operate the way you do, to open you up and crawl inside, see what makes you tick, what makes you sigh.  As far as my arm can stretch, as loud as my voice can get, I'm still miles away from reaching you the way I once did.

27 February 2013

This song is giving me another reason to hate you
But most days I feel nothing
Open my eyes to the morning and feel nothing
Completing the monotonous motions of my day and I feel nothing
Even when I don't feel happy I paint on a smile
I try to cry when I know I should be upset
But I know I feel nothing
Then, as if by some force beyond what I am capable of controlling
I feel it all
All at once
It washes over me and I am thrown back
Into this restless cycle of wishing I could call
Wanting to touch your face and feel the curve of your spine along your back
I cry because I don't even know her anymore
The girl I once was
The girl you used to love
I forget you and I feel nothing
I feel you again and I can't control myself
Is it better to flat line
Or to feel washed away in someone else's sea?

20 February 2013

Hi, I'm in the air.  I'm following you home after another night that lasted too long in the darkest corner of the most seedy bar on the street you grew up on.  The bar across from that empty lot where you kicked rocks at the other boys and made out with that girl Susan, the one every other boy loved in junior high but only you got to kiss.  You told me everything I wanted to hear, shared and spared nothing to keep me smiling.  I'm watching as you stumble into bed, trying so hard to remove that sock on your right foot but failing and collapsing onto your medium-firm mattress.  In my mind I'm laughing and helping you, taking your sock off and kissing your face.  Bringing you water and twirling your hair between my fingers, taking your glasses off and folding them up safe on your bedside table.  But here we are, separated by the walls surrounding us, the miles we've put between us.  I'm alone again tonight, wondering if I'll hear the words I've wanted to hear for so long, knowing full well the silence will stick and the morning will come again too soon.  Thinking about waking up to you, smoking a cigarette out the window because you know how much it bothers me when people smoke inside.  Brewing coffee but it probably tastes like shit, light streaming in from every direction and forcing my eyes closed again.  The shadows your blinds make when you close them halfway, like they made that night, I'm there.  Behind too-big sunglasses and a hangover ponytail, I smile for no reason on my walk to work, and I know you're here.


20 January 2013

A few words, just a few words
do you feel any better?
It seems forever ago now
that you were here
turning over to wake up
next to you.
Where else I'd rather be
doesn't matter now
drawn in lines that won't intersect.
I can't force a closeness
knit and weathered tied and
never tethered
I'll watch you float
wander into something foreign on your own.
I won't say I want you back
but I'd stop you if I could.
Watching the waves roll in and then roll out
my heart stretches wider than the screen
feels like it might burst.
I have to see you again.