God reminiscing makes me so sad sometimes. I feel like I've lived a dozen lives over again. I've spent so much time, I've been so many types of girl and so many different women. I've been somebody's something and nobody's anything, I've had international hangovers and tried my hand at languages and tongues and twisted confusion. I think about the girl who wanted to intern in a South African AIDS clinic, the girl that spent months sobbing over the fact that she couldn't afford it and her mother wouldn't allow it. The girl who thought her life was ending when, after many months of interviews and processes and transcripts and letters and phone calls, she was turned down by the job of her dreams - Teach For America. She thought there was nothing else out there for her, nothing that would sustain her and make her happy, she didn't even see the point in searching. The girl who went to community college for three years, who didn't even have a career goal in sight by her second full year in school, who wouldn't know how to define the word sociology if it was written on her forehead, the girl that failed half of her classes freshman year because she was too busy doing absolutely nothing of importance. The girl who was in love at 20, who thought she had it all figured out, who had met the man of her dreams and was done dating before her life had even begun. The girl that couldn't care less about the French language then spent a summer in Paris studying it. That summer altered me in ways that I may still not even fully comprehend. So many strangers in such close capacity. It frightens me that at some point in my future I may look back on my time in Korea the same way I reflect on my time in France. I was so young and naive, fresh faced and accepting with open arms whatever life had to throw at me. I'm much more guarded now, drawn to cynicism regarding what people want from me and the motivations behind friendships. I'm also much more open in other regards, existing as the person I am with no apologies, take it or leave it. Will I look back in 2016 and think of how foolish I had been in the present?
I'm just scared that this life is moving too fast and soon enough I won't be able to keep up with it. No steering wheel to guide me home here, just a tired old bus route to fall asleep on for 43 minutes and wake up outside my front door being poked and prodded. No bicycle to take out when I need a break, just my feet to carry me whatever direction will let my mind wander. Creating the person I so desperately wish to become. When will I learn from my mistakes? Be a quieter woman, keep certain thoughts to myself. Contained and collected, my hand cradled in the palm of someone else's. Coy smiles without having to exchange words, being able to bite back in an argument but having the decency to hold it all in. I've always longed to be that girl. I don't know if I've simply given up the facade of a person I will never become, or if I still harbor those wishes somewhere deep inside of me, only allowed out when I am alone. I'm learning more about myself as I grow, as I mature into whoever it is I will become. It scares me to think that I can't remember the things I felt and thought last year, the year before, when I was in high school, as a young girl... I don't remember what my dreams and aspirations were. Am I even the same girl? I see a faint reflection of her now, but things are so much more difficult than I'd ever imagined they would be. Growing up and moving on, accepting and reflecting... I'm just having one of those moments where the world seems too big and I far too powerless. I'm scared to open my eyes.
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