I guess I can't quite say what went wrong that Wednesday afternoon. One thing I do know though is that you changed. I stayed the same, I sat stagnant as I've always done when things become difficult, and you continued on your way, blotting the memory of me out of your subconscious daily dealings with the eraser you've been putting to good use these last few months. I sat up night after night after miserable evening alone in a row and wondered where things went wrong, what turn I took that decidedly led to our avoidable fate. That old familiar feeling creeps up again and I feel unworthy, I wonder how you ever loved me, how I ever loved myself, how I could have been so naive as to believe that we really ever had a chance. And this is how I recoil - I disappear into the woodwork and your name sings itself inside my head from the moment I step into the shower to the moment my neck relaxes fully into the pillow curled up by myself in the bed we used to share. Confident that this was, as it always is, all my fault. Due to my shortcomings and lack of restraint. My unbearable desire to please every living thing around me, all the while denying myself the truth - that the only thing I really want to do is lay in bed all day with you drinking coffee. You boil the water, I'll do the rest. Waiting for you to turn around with tears brimming at your lower eyelids and tell me you made a mistake, watching your steps become quicker and your silhouette getting further away, tracing my fingers along the place where you sat moments before on the bench only slight inches from me. And the next thing I know I'm flooded, I'm underwater with a vengeance and you're the only one who can pull me up... until I can realize that my feet still touch the bottom.
Soundtrack:
Skeleton Key - Margot & The Nuclear So and So's
Paint's Peeling - Rilo Kiley
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