Stand Up Comedy Hour.

Is this all a fucking joke?  Do you ever feel so empty and completely hopeless as far as what to do next is concerned that you can't even find the stupid shiny colored lining around the edges of the cloud that's been following you around for all these months?  I mean FUCK come on!  I try to dedicate myself to something, to someone, to get to know, to experience, to interest, to be interested in, and for what?  And for what?  To get completely fucked over and back to square zero to the one hundredth power?  Rarely do I let myself become attached to things, to people, because I believe they're all notions.  We let ourselves become attached to things that we wish were true but in reality will never be true - we hold people to standards that they can never live up to, and when they fail we act like it is such a huge let down when we really knew all along that they would never be able to do it.  And how sad is that?  How pathetic are we, the people in this corner, for allowing ourselves to become completely enveloped in this fake existence?  And how pathetic are they, in the opposite corner, for not being able to live up to any standard at all other than their own which is so pathetically low that it hardly counts in the first place?  Honestly we're all really just a bunch of losers.

Seriously, this never ending cycle of being walked all over and letting it happen and being mad at people and mad at myself is getting incredibly old, as I am, as we all are, with each passing day.  Sorry for the foul language but it perfectly captures my mood right now and I really can't find a better way to express myself.  That is pathetic, I am pathetic.  This struggle that I find myself in right now, y'know who it's with?  ME!  It's with me.  I'm literally fighting with myself, over what I need to do and what I want to do.  Clamping my hands behind my back and saying NO - be the person you want to be, the person you absolutely must be, not the one who is weak willed that you are so used to falling back into at every sign of adversity.  Fuck that.  I'm finished getting hurt by anybody else that I let close to me in my life, it's so pathetic that I can't even stand up for myself and that I continually allow people to make me an option when they are my priority.  That is cliche but I don't care because it fits so perfectly.  I am so incredibly hurt and upset and I don't know any better way to voice it than through this stupid blog and idiotic mindless language and tears and big glasses of wine.  It's all so stupid.  It's such a joke.