Here's To The Little Things.

How fast our lungs can separate.  The beautiful collapse of a vital organ, breathing life into something that never was.  How can we be capable of such beauty and such intelligence, yet such evil acts, and allow them to occur all at once?  Wake up!  Breathe, soul.  There's so much beauty in the world if we would just take the time to find it.  Hiding in those places between the imaginary and the waking world, in dreams seeming so possible yet implausible in reality, but still alive.  In between every crevice in the broken spine of the group of untouched books in your library, then who opened them in the first place?  How can you know if you've never been taught, how can you teach if you've never known?  Try it out, open a book you'd never be inclined to pick up off the shelf and read it from cover to cover without taking a moment for breath.  Maybe then you'll know what I mean.

Teach if you want to, learn if you can, believe if you're willing, trust if it's healthy, love if it's possible, burn bridges when necessary, rebuild with time.  Care, live, be, breathe, believe.  Swim deep, dive but don't break your neck, let whatever may wash over you in whatever time it takes, give as much a you receive and then some.  Maybe then you'll know what they mean.


Something I've been struggling with for the past few days is the concept of forgiveness.  And really the question of whether or not it can be a blessing and a curse all at once.  My Creator really did a number on me when it comes to the area of forgiveness, that much I know.  I like to sit around and consider the alternatives to forgiveness when I'm in a bind, like whether or not something is really worth saving through forgiving or if I've forgiven only to be disappointed one too many times.  Recently I've found that I simply do not have in it my bones to hold a grudge, I cannot help but forgive - and NO I'm not praising myself - sometimes I hate myself for this.  I find it so upsetting that I am not strong enough to withhold forgiveness where it is so blatantly undeserved.  But then again, how many times do you forgive?  How many circumstances can you take until your body starts bending and breaking and pretty soon there's nothing left to give and nobody left to forgive but yourself for allowing such destruction?  It's hard, watching people drift in and out of your life and leaving little bits of your heart behind as you live in forward motion.  Today is the first day I have really had my doubts about withholding forgiveness in a certain arena of my life that I am uncomfortable with doling out "it's alright's" and "I forgive you's."  I am questioning myself, my decision making skills, if I'm doing the right thing or if keeping this inside is really only hurting me in the end.  Hurt - such a funny concept.  I am not in literal pain, although sometimes I feel like my heart (another funny concept) is so full that it might literally burst, leaving me only with pieces of my former anguish and distrust in myself.  I'm strong enough to know myself, why am I not strong enough to believe in myself?



Soundtrack:
Vaporous - Elsiane
Proziac - Elsiane