Well, here I am again. Stuck at the butt end of this never ending vicious cycle that I seem to have stuck on fatal repeat. I'm content, I'm alive, I'm blessed, I'm in awe of the beauty and love surrounding me. I'm unhappy, I'm alone, I'm unsure, I'm beaten down. Back to this, here we go again, just to realize that I'm only on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. No, there are no in betweens, I don't conceptualize gray area, middle-of-the-road-happy-mediums simply do not exist right now.
I am disillusioned, constantly needing change to sustain a happy, healthy, being. But never quite fulfilling that desire, that want and strain and ache to stop living such an ordinary life. I keep giving myself a time frame, creating a calendar to pull these unachievable goals closer to reality. I'll do this, I'll do that, it'll be fantastic, just as soon as I... exactly! The stupid things I'm doing right now keep holding me back from doing the things I really WANT to be doing. I don't want to be in school, I don't want to have a 12 month lease on my house, I don't want to have commitments in this town and obligations to people, places, or things. I want to be free, but at the same time I know I need to be grounded. Doing what I am doing presently is keeping me sane. The question is: how long until I move onto the next thing that will stabilize me? What is it? When it is? Where is it? How do I find it?
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