5 Things I Vow to Stop Doing in 2013

2013.  I hate resolutions.  I try not to make them because a. I never keep them, and b. that's mostly due to the fact that I forget them.  So instead of saying "I'm making New Years resolutions" I'm going to make a very real list of 5 things I would like to stop doing in 2013.  These aren't promises to myself or resolutions for anybody else to hold me accountable for, but simply a listing of things I do that I would like to stop doing for whatever reason.  Most of them relate to my severe lack of a love life in some manner, which is equal parts disturbing and comical to me.  So without further ado, here are the 5 things I vow to (attempt to) stop doing in 2013.  But first... my girl crush.

1. Stop saying the F word

It's just plain rude.  When I teach, I make sure to censor myself every minute of every hour from 3:45pm to 10:05pm, or whenever in the vicinity of children in general.  I should probably start applying this censorship rule to other areas of my life... i.e., when I am around older people, strangers, on public transportation, in crowded areas with other people, and basically anywhere except at loud bars or at home by myself.  Also saying the F word is not ladylike at all.  Men don't particularly care for a woman with a mouth as dirty as theirs, so unless I want to continue on this path toward cat-ladydome I had better start cleaning my act up... literally.

2. Giving out fake names/phone numbers at bars

This has been a way too common occurrence recently, particularly after my move to Korea.  The likelihood of being approached at a bar when you're an obnoxious Sarah Silverman lookalike (just shorter and heavier) is slim to none on a good night, so when men talk to me I tend to at least give them the benefit of the doubt.  The problem here is that most foreign guys here are, how do I phrase this... well they're just not that attractive.  I hate to be this person, but if I'm not immediately drawn to you by your physical characteristics, then your conversation skills and personality don't do it for me in the next ten minutes, why would I want to give you another chance?  So, instead, when you start pressing me for personal details I'll tell you my name is "Jessica" and I was in the KKG sorority house at UCSD and I graduated with my B.S. in Political Science in 2009.  Why do I do this?  So I don't have to make a personal connection with you, Jeremy from some rural town in Wisconsin who has his Masters in Organic Chemistry yet for some reason is in the army and has a 12pm curfew in Seoul (thank god).  Who knows, you could be lying to me, too!  In which case we may be perfect for each other.  But in any case, if I don't want to see somebody again or have no interest in them, why bother?  I'm not making a new friend, I'm not looking for a free meal or a romantic date... so bugger off.  No you can't have my real (or my fake) name, and no you can't have my phone number (even if it's one digit off from the real one), because I'm not interested in you.  Go bother Becky or Jennifer or whatever other generic English teacher girl is sidled up at the bar with her girlfriends waiting to get hit on by a nice army boy such as yourself.  (That last sentence made me sound really bitter but I'm not deleting it... because I just might be).

3. Drink less soju & long island iced teas

I think this may be one of the top reasons why I cannot lose that pesky 10 pounds I feel like I've gained in Korea.  I don't actually know how much weight I've gained in the last five months, considering I don't know where to find a scale in this country (not even the gym, really), and I've taken a liking to really baggy sweaters and leggings.  Yeah I've been getting to the gym at least once a week or so, and I walk a lot here... but let's be real, those two things combined can not save a body from consistent weekend abuse and a crappy diet.  I drink more coffee than I do water, usually eat rice or noodles at least once a day, and can't cook to save my life so I eat at restaurants a lot here.  And... mandu.  I'll just leave mandu at that.  Needless to say, between my food habits and my weekend drinking habits, my body, my body is tellin' me no.  The all day hangovers on Sunday I could really do without - I mean despite common belief based on my sleeping pattern during the week, I do really enjoy sunlight and waking hours that end in "AM."  The only exercise I get on Saturdays is the 3-minute calves that I do on my way up hooker hill in 5-inch boot heels.  So I'm not saying I will drink less in this upcoming year, but I will drink smarter.  Try to go to the gym on mornings where I wake up not hungover, and try to drink more water when I'm out, and (even if it is half assed) attempt not to hit up Taco Bell when leaving Itaewon, and drink things with soda water in them instead of... I don't know, 7 different liquors and Coca Cola.

4. Creating & deleting an OKCupid account every few months

I'm 24, not over the hill and definitely not desperate enough to create an online dating profile.  So it's time to either give up on normalcy and go for the online thing 100%, or return to sanity and stop pretending like it's normal to try and scope out potential boyfriends online.  Here's what happens every go 'round with the dreaded OKC.  First, I contemplate my love life (usually alone, in bed, over a bowl of frosted flakes between the hours of 1 and 5 am) and get really down on myself.  Then I poke my stomach a few times and think, "nobody will ever love me, I am fat and single."  Step two, I get on facebook and see my happily married friends, friends getting engaged, people's ultrasound pictures, and various other memorabilia from a life full of love and look around my room and think to myself that I can't even get a cat to love me.  Then I go back for a second bowl of frosted flakes.  Finally, the internet guides me to the deep dark depressing hole that is OKC, I sign up using a seventh fake email address (because you can only create one account per email address, and once you deactivate an account it logs that email address for eternity, apparently), and search for my most flattering picture on facebook.  Fun fact - it's never in photos tagged of me.  Candid moments are not my specialty.  Hours later, after searching dozens of prospective profiles and answers hundreds of pointless FAQ about myself and my principles and moral beliefs, I go back for a third bowl of frosted flakes.  Then I either delete my account that night or the next morning after I've staved off my breakfast food hangover with a nice cup of coffee and solid dose of reality.  I am not that fat, I just need to stop eating seven bowls of cereal at 5 in the morning.  Men like me, just not normal ones.  And on that note, so do cats... just not Korean ones.  So OKC, it's time to kick rocks and say goodbye forever.  I refuse to make a ninth fake email account to sign up for four hours of short lived desperation ever again in my LIFE (i.e., until I am either over 200 pounds or 40 years old and still single).

5. Smoking Korean cigarettes, or any cigarettes in general

Korean cigarettes are CHEAP.  One pack is cheaper than a round-trip bus ride to Seoul, cheaper than one mixed drink at a bar, cheaper than a few large bottles of bottle spring water, cheaper than a head of lettuce or a wooden stick full of questionable street meat.  There are not a lot of habits cheaper than smoking in Korea.  Except for drinking soju (refer to resolution #3).  The main reason I've ever smoked in my life is because I've been drinking, and nothing is better when you're drunk than a cigarette.  Or, sobriety.  Or, free drinks from bartenders.  But I digress.  That is not an excuse for smoking, especially when you tend to drink more than a few nights in a row and suddenly by Monday you're craving a cigarette in the middle of your 5th grade English reading class and you think to yourself, but I don't even smoke!  I smoked two cigarettes on Saturday the 29th, and before that had gone a week without smoking.  Today, Monday the 31st, I officially quit smoking cigarettes.  I am not going to beat myself up if I smoke one every once in a while, because I know I'm really bad at doing what I say I will do when it comes to personal matters, but I'm officially telling myself that I do not need, want, or crave cigarettes anymore.  Next time I want a cigarette, I'm going to watch that old commercial with the cowboy singing about his lungs... you know the one I'm talking about, right?  This one...