some days.

I got the last seat on the train that night, it seemed.  Bodies packed to the sliding doors in between cars, heat waves rising and energy levels making the hair on my arms stand on end.  The consistent buzz of the tracks beneath reminding us that all we are is another cog in the machine.  Just another three dollar and sixty-five cent ticket to nowhere, a blank stare into your own reflection on the window, wishing the cement encasing was something much more grand.  Touching down that late afternoon, when the sun was settling behind these enormous mountains you call home, they look like they could swallow this city whole.  I knew I didn't want to leave, and I still don't want to have to say goodbye to you, and everything that seems to balance my axis and keep me on my toes.  Sometimes things simply don't work out the way we'd planned - because if I knew that going to that backyard bonfire and drunken bike ride through my tiny college town that night would bring me here tonight, bring me through the broken strings and tears and nights spent with my knees hugged to my chest willing myself not to break down again... well I can't say if I would have gone or not.  I didn't ask for this, but I sure as hell don't want it to go away.  I guess I could say I'm still searching for some clarity, but I think I've gotten my answer and that's why it hurts so much tonight.  I hate goodbyes, but this time I think I need to change my lenses, and rather than turn my back to simply turn over a new leaf.  It's just hard to get myself there when I know that right now you're the only page I want to read in this book, yours are the only lips I want to be kissing when I hear this song.  My confusion isn't anger at anybody but myself, and I think that's the worst part.  Right now, it hurts.  But I know that some days, it will hurt less.