Just For Now.

Could I write, could I please just let these little tiny secrets that have woven themselves together inside of my mind and become a monstrous nuisance out of me? I want to let them go, to allow them the freedom they've never allowed me. All I want to do is show them the light and the love of basic human existence; sharing. I want to lay them down, send them off to a different part of existence on this piece of paper, or this keyboard, whatever medium I please. I want to watch them fly, to let them do whatever it is that makes them happy, and then allow myself to dream again. I want new things to fill their void, to allow me to re-escape the dreadful dealings of the daily grind, at times. I want to scream and cry, then laugh and shout because I am so unnervingly, upsettingly, frighteningly happy that I have something new to grasp and call my own.

I wish I could let you read this, I wish you could see what I'm saying here and make it your own. Please don't begin to act as though you understand the dealings of my mind, the creation and the void between cells, the hiccup before the imagination spikes, the transfer of data between ports, the knowledge of love and life and all I have been missing out on. I promise you, once you take part in this fiasco I've rolled myself in the middle of, you'll never want out. It's the most beautiful, terrifying, tempting, transitional, accidentally alliterated existence you've never been able to imagine was possible. It'll trick you into believing you can do something you can't, such as love and receive love in return. It'll break your heart and make you believe you're worthless, then worthwhile, then worth... something, I don't what, but you're worth it. It'll force you to examine the parts of you that you absolutely hate, the darkest most down-trodden trampled on truths that you possess and that you so wish you didn't. They're there, inside of you, pleading to be reconciled. You won't be allowed to push them away, to force them under the table for somebody else to dig up and deal with at a later date. You have to act on them now, they are the current and you are the carrier.

Here are the things I am currently chasing out of me: Jealousy, for others happiness, for others wealth, for others other-ness. Hatred, for the things that I see in the people and the doings and the actions of this world that make me so upset, rather than try and fix I would rather try and despise. Sadness, for the parts of my life that I have tried so hard to recreate and capture exactly as I want them only to fail, contempt at myself for being a failure of sorts and not being able to measure up to my own standards. Reliance on others, for self esteem, for reassurance, for love, for anything that I am needing at that point in time, rather than looking inside of myself for it.

You're so beautiful, everything you have is so beautiful if you'd just take a look around. The current situation you find yourself in may be difficult, but you will come around another corner soon and realize that there is something just as beautiful as you possessed before the distress. I am ready to come around that corner, again.