It's cold, and snow's actually on the ground of this no snow town.

I am ready to give something up, to let something go, to allow something to take flight and take with it the part of me it has held for so long. I feel like I've tried to put one foot in so many of life's proverbial doors, to save face and for the 'just in case' moment, that I've never really noticed which one is worth my time. Which door is the most important? Which door should I spend more time trying to open? Lately, it seems that I've been thrown one too many curve balls and failed so miserably that my own team has started batting against me.

Now here I go again feeling sorry for myself which is not my intention! All I'm trying to do is tell whoever will listen that I am tired of the options. I am no longer satisfied with this taste test of what life has to offer, although I will admit it has been fun. And draining, exhausting, tiring, far too long. What I don't understand is, if I knew which door was worth my time all along, why didn't I just open it? These other things that took so much effort, so much time and money and resources, they ended up being useless. I might have learned a few things here and there, but what do I ultimately end up with? Upturned empty palms and a head full of questions why? Because it's good for you! Because it's a part of life! Because everyone goes through it!

Well the truth is: they really don't. The smart ones, the successful and legitimate and mature ones do not. Ah, if only I could place myself into that category. The class of person that I so wish to take part in. Dreaming of the day when I will wake up fully satisfied with my life, my education, my intellect, my values and beliefs, my choices, my decisions, my mistakes, my future. I suppose that day never really comes though, does it? As long as I am constantly striving for something more, for spiritual and mental growth and maturity, I will have to be satisfied with that. Maybe I can even take solace in the fact that nobody can really feel that way, can have that feeling of ultimate satisfaction with what they have become. It's part of us! All of us, that tiny obsession with our imperfections. I suppose it's best to embrace it.

I want to let it go, I want to finish. What I wouldn't give to take back the last six months of my life, but what I wouldn't give to hold tight to the things I've learned. The hurt, the memories that still sting. The people that I loved, that loved me, that broke my heart. Watching solid people crumble, wondering why something like that would be allowed. Violence stemmed from hatred, stemmed from something much deeper and much uglier than we could have ever imagined. Waking up to... my pathetic excuse for a life ruining the beautiful Saturday morning sunshine once again. I don't miss it one bit, but I can still cherish even the worst of it. Memories don't leave you, but they don't have to hold you back.

I am fully comprehending now what it means to "come back" to something, to something you once knew. I miss, like I've missed so much in the past. And it kind of feels like I never left. I love you.