I've been awake all day and all night, waiting. I left my phone on an extra day for you, I set the volume so loud. So loud. But you can't hear a phone that never rings. You can't be woken up to a call that never crosses the wires. We're continents apart now, and we haven't spoken. I'm away, you're home. But you never seem to be at home to me, never still, never at peace. I want to help calm your life's seas, I want to gloss over mistakes we've (both) made and share another smile even if you're pretending. Even if I've been pretending all along. Sick really, isn't it? I can tell you over and over that we're okay, that nothing is going to be wrong and all things will turn out wonderful because, well because they always do. And you can nod and we can say these things but share the understanding that they hold no truth, because this is all fucked up. If you're coming by my house, stop. If your thumb lingers over the call button for too long, push it. If you need someone to distract you from how miserable you've become, don't look to me, I'm too busy pretending you're fine. Pretending you're what I want, pretending I want this life and that I'm content with the things I'm doing when really it couldn't be further from the truth. My head is telling me to grow up and keep experiencing new things, but other parts of me are grasping blindly at straws in desperate attempts to keep me here, with you. It's all fucked up, really.
Soundtrack: Tegan & Sara - Walking With A Ghost
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