I Can't Believe It.

Need.  Constantly renovating our desires and thoughts, what we require, what we desire, what sustains us.  What keeps us sane, what makes us whole.  What do I need?

I need love, and a lot of it.  I'm in an agonizing state of mind right now, to be perfectly blunt.  I can't control my own thoughts, I cry at points throughout the day and can do nothing about it, I toss and turn all night and never end up getting to sleep before any decent hour of the morning.  I find it consistently harder to concentrate the more I attempt focus, because then I realize all I am trying to do is revert my thoughts from the topic at hand - the topic always at hand.  Certain songs make me burst out into tears when I'm driving home alone in the car after a particularly stressful day at school, or at home sitting in my bed reading some stupid novel for the fourth time because I'm too poor to buy a new one.

I need consistency.  Everything tends to fall apart eventually.  I feel like the only consistent thing in my life over the past few years is not having any consistency.  I'm constantly in a state of motion, rushing from place to place trying to get thirteen things done at one time, juggling knives even though I can't even figure out how to balance two objects.  Sometimes, it almost seems as though I do this to myself, and I don't rightly know why.  I don't enjoy agonizing, I don't get anything out of bringing myself pain, but sometimes I feel like it is the only way to achieve growth.  And sure, change and pain is necessary, but it's not the only way to bloom.

I need peace.  Just quiet, for a little bit, for a while, then we'll see.


"This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin,
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in,
Now you're outside me,
You see all the beauty,
Repent all your sin.

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose,
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose,
I'll write you a postcard,
I'll send you the news,
From a house down the road from real love.


Live through this, and you won't look back...


There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave.
You were what I wanted,
I gave what I gave,
I'm not sorry I met you,
I'm not sorry it's over,
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say."