I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!
That is the puzzle indeed. Every morning waking up, wondering what you're doing, why you're doing what you're doing, and how you can change the things that you're doing but you hate that you're doing. I'm so sick and tired of being unfulfilled with my life. I have moments, fleeting moments if anything, of pure and true happiness - of gratitude for the life I've been blessed with. And I am, I realize that I am a blessed individual and no matter how tough I imagine things are, I could always be a lot worse off. Despite those facts, the life I am living is not fulfilling in the way I wish it to be. I am not happy in many of my relationships, I feel that my true friends are few and far between. I could most definitely count them on one hand. And although I love these people dearly, it's hard to have so many other people in my life whom I don't particularly trust or believe in as I do my close friends. I suppose that's the nature of human beings though, to be untrustworthy and always looking out for number one - suspicious of everybody's actions and their reasoning for such. And other relationships I am invested it, just don't seem the same lately. Something is missing, something big, but I don't know what. And I wish to God that I did because it would clearly help solve a lot of issues I've been grappling with as of late. My job is nothing, it's nonproductive, I don't get along with my boss, my hours are few and far between, and my paychecks reflect it. I feel like waking up to work the shifts I am assigned is not only a waste of time for me in the monetary sense, but also in the TIME time sense. I have much better things to waste four hours in a day on, like how about the insurmountable amounts of homework my PolySci professor assigns? I am so bogged down right now with classwork and reading and assignments I don't even know which way is up. Sometimes when I get in these funks - all down about the recent happenings, whatever they may be - I remind myself of the really great things I have going for me. But right now.. I just don't feel like it, plain and simple. I want to complain, I want to rant, I want to be heard, and I don't want solutions or answers or even a response. I just want nothing. Quite literally, nothing. Because what I've filled my plate with doesn't seem to be as easy to balance as I once assumed.
I guess lately I've been in my own little world, could you tell?
No comments:
Post a Comment