Best Week Ever.

You think you're the only one who's scared? That may quite possibly be the furthest thing from the truth. I'm nervous all the time, you're constantly on my mind, sometimes I find myself wondering if we're moving too fast or if we're doing the right thing. I'm so far beyond poetics right now it's barely comprehensible to me, even in this form, to feel what I am feeling and to think what I am about to say. At times I feel like there are just too many components to wrap my mind around. I get lost in my own thoughts often, snapping out of it only to realize I'm still sitting in that chair in your bedroom by the window (which is probably open); I haven't even left and yet I've already begun to assess the situation. Carefully choosing my words, trying to be a little more impressive or a bit less intrusive. It's hard to know exactly what I'm thinking or feeling, to be perfectly honest. I'm just as scared as you, only difference is I'd hate to let you know. Plenty of people pride themselves on being loving and caring, being open and vulnerable, valuing sensitivity over all. I wish I could say I was like them, but the truth is I'm just not. At times I feel quite vulnerable, sure, but in the big picture I'd say I'm more of an internalizer. Being with you has made me realize that might be a little bit unhealthy, so I'm trying as hard as I can to step outside those boundaries I created for myself in fear of whatever knocking them down might bring. I think I'm doing alright so far.

As I remind myself that I've been "here" and I've been "there" before, I have to truly remember that I have never been exactly where I am at this very moment in time. Beautiful thing is, neither have you! Never have I experienced the things I am experiencing right now, here, with you, wherever we are. I've never before heard the words you're saying, and I've yet to feel the things I am apt to feel when I'm around you again. Still I can't help but think that I've been somewhere a lot like here. But, that doesn't make it here. So forget what you've been taught, the things you've heard people say and the actions you've witnessed before. All of that is history, and all we have is future. As far as I see it, there's no knowing what's the right move to make next, or the best thing to say in a situation, the correct way to respond or act, and if you should disagree because you know you do or agree to avoid conflict. Enjoy living in the now. Instead of dwelling on what might have been, what could have been, what is about to become, what it has the potential to bloom into... just stop. Sit, smile, relax a minute. Tell me a story, forget that you ever cared about anything greater than this.