The Parachute Journals

little animals, etc.

2012-02-09T20:41:00.000-08:00

This is my life.

What if human babies did this? You bathe them, and their hair gets that funny looking duck-butt look to it (you know exactly what I'm talking about) and then, even if they can't even walk or crawl yet, they waddle over to the closest towel bar and hang themselves upside down on it and drip dry. I would probably die from happiness, and every clean baby would have a mohawk.

Cannot comment, too cute, might die.

Okay I am sorry but this video HAD to have been made strictly to make people lose their minds laughing hysterically by themselves at their computer screens. Also, RIP fainting kittens... kind of depressing.

2012-02-07T22:31:00.000-08:00

Literally one of the only reasons I would ever aspire to be a housewife one day: getting to wear stupid things like this. Gah, I die. I mean, I know wearing a gorgeous apron won't change the fact that I burn every single thing that I touch (including but not limited to Easy Mac, cake from a box, and frozen ready-to-bake pizzas), but a girl can dream, right?

Anthropologie Apron

this is goodbye.

2012-02-06T22:12:00.000-08:00

Here I am, hair let down and swirling around my shoulders, wrapping me in a continuum of memories I'd rather wash away with the rain. Laying on my back staring up at the big dipper, the constellations in perfect harmony with my shallow breaths. Remember when I was your little spoon? Sometimes I wish I didn't, I wish I could just forget, I wish I didn't have to erase your number from my phone to ensure that I don't fall back into routine and have my heart in shambles once again. Whatever I need, it's in the clouds. The sky heaves and turns and rearranges its stars, picks me up far from the ground, my feet moving forward to take me on whatever journey lies ahead. My eyes wide with wonder, this is nothing like I expected. But I must move on, continue to grow and challenge the things I know. You were what I knew, and it was pretty beautiful, but you're no longer, so it's time to blow away. No more tripping on words, searching for something, hoping you're still there, crying about nobody. I'm much stronger than this.

have I been here before?

2012-02-01T23:10:00.000-08:00

I've come too far from home, lost my way somewhere past the last welcome sign in that state we drove through around 2am on Tuesday. I'm too afraid to turn back, but where are we off to this time? I can't keep chasing down a dream that won't let me catch it, my bones are tired and my spirit can't keep loving under the pressure that these walls I've built have created. What have I become? A tale of no love and no love lost, a cataclysmic set of waves tossed between oceans, undocumented evidence left behind of a great storm. What will I leave here? I'm so scared I've left too many scars, my mark has been made for me and there's no going back now. I don't want to burn this bridge, I want to turn the wheel and travel back to where I was going in the beginning. To happy, to free. Now this isn't fun, it hurts and I'm craving stability. My turn to close my eyes, stop searching out the right road signs, too many miles between where my feet are planted and where my heart wants to live. I'm growing to become one with these floors, can't grasp my dreams, can feel everything slowly pulling south. My heart isn't right.

happy being someone

2012-01-30T17:18:00.000-08:00

If you must know, you're still on my mind.

I would've moved mountains to be by your side.
Indecision haunts me normally, but not tonight.
You're what I wanted, a while ago.
Even though it hurts to stand here alone, again, right now.
Get me out of this moment.
I'll run forever, I'll do whatever.
Taking things a day at a time, trying to get you off of my mind.

my god.

2012-01-29T22:27:00.001-08:00

do dance.

2012-01-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

love me, leave me. i don't mind, it's alright. all things become tolerable with time. this feeling will pass and be replaced by another. more lovely? i hope so. skin thicker than water, viscous, vicious are these cycles. love me, leave me. i won't hope for anything more. nothing less than ordinary, i'll be sure to find myself further away this time. no excuses but lack of giving a shit, better interests, lapses in judgement, maybe time. love me. i'm leaving.

Chinese New Year

2012-01-26T19:42:00.000-08:00

My friends make me pee my pants.

Sidenote: some random stranger stole my phone on this particular night and texted many a human being many an inappropriate thing... so, sorry bout it!

this too shall pass

2012-01-25T21:46:00.000-08:00

Beware, it's something. Kind of lovely, kind of sad. I keep digging my heels into these sharp edges, hoping to turn up something new, something good, something worthwhile. So I push, but what comes of it? I squeeze my eyes shut in fear of rejection, if I don't see it happen it never really does. I think. The monotony might be killing me, the ground opens up wider and I'm struck with how much nothing I am surrounded by. Drowning in the shallow air, the words left unspoken, the solemn dead something or other between my lips and your mouth. I guess it's safe to say I don't mind it all the time, that I'm okay right now. I know things work out the way they weren't planned to, I never planned them to. I simply said what it was that I needed to, and now that we've gotten past that I think it's time to grow up. Blow away. Scatter seeds. And bury.

underwater

2012-01-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

below the surface

this might be all that there is

harder to breathe

when your lungs are squeezed tight

between your chest bones and your heart

inhale deep

probably still lonely

i followed fires

2012-01-19T22:27:00.000-08:00

I guess I don't know you now, or like I thought I knew you at all. Maybe I'm just too busy caught up playing pretend. My god. I followed the roads that seemed to make the most sense, chasing smiles and secrets and something beautiful. You couldn't live up to the expectations I held you to, but I tried. Letting myself sink, let it go. Nothing good ever ends if it doesn't end badly, and these feelings are something other than lovely. Can't get you out of my head, deleted you from my phone, erased you from my conscious. I'm trying to let you go but my fists won't release for the life of me. I just want to try one more time, I can't say goodbye until I'm satisfied. Your call, my willing it not to happen, slipping farther and farther apart. My tires took my away, you pushed me further. How do I say? How do I say. I should have said it all earlier, before you held my heart in the palm of your hand without even knowing it. How can you break something you don't even realize you're holding?

porquoi pas?

2012-01-17T19:55:00.001-08:00

Found: Little Brown Pen

open up ya ears

2012-01-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

to travel:

to dance:

to share:

to goodbye:

hard as you might.

2012-01-15T21:22:00.000-08:00

i could drive all night til i found you

open roads and sunset skies

arms outstretched - wide open

tears escape down my cheeks

can't feel a thing without you

can't be anything when you're near

smiling to avoid a confrontation

discussion of what's and when's

i'd rather chase you til my legs give out

highways and byways and toll bridges abound

close my eyes and feel your voice

an awfully familiar sound

reverberating in every corner of this room

don't tell me you're done

don't tell me to stop now

save your scissors

2012-01-14T23:23:00.000-08:00

Here's to fresh beginnings. To opening my arms wide enough to embrace myself, and recall all that I have to offer. I've come much too far to let things slip out of my hands and against the grains of reality another time, or two. Face to the sun, doing whatever that word is that starts with a B, by myself, happily. Rather than be grounded in notions of survival, I choose existentialism, disoriented but finding my own way. I'd be glad to cross rivers, in whatever shoes were given me, so long as I got to see all that I had accomplished on the other side. Passionately, sincerely, I haven't given up on you just like I haven't stopped entertaining the notion that I'll live forever, or that someday I'll be able to travel to all the dots on the map that I desire. It would all be nice, but I haven't a certainty in the world. And that's alright with me. A life fulfilled is a life lived, and I plan on doing just that. Thanks for a nice chapter, time to begin again.

e.e. cummings

2012-01-13T20:39:00.001-08:00

a real empty kinda feeling

Open Arms

2012-01-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

10 Things From 2011 to Try Again in 2012

1. Write four more complete chapters for my "book"

2. Get all A's in my last semester of college (holler @ me)

3. Be in another wedding, and maybe even bring a date to it

4. Donate more to the 'my friends are poor and need beer' fund

5. Let my little brother think he's right more often

6. Ski. Switch.

7. Buy professional clothes, even if I have no current use for them

8. Buy a vehicle, or at least think about it seriously

9. Sex with the lights on, but more confidence

10. Relocate.

stop: listen

2012-01-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

what lovely noise.

30 things

2012-01-08T21:40:00.001-08:00

I stumbled upon this article titled 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself and decided that, although this was a fantatic article, I wanted to steal the idea and come up with 15 things to start doing for yourself, instead.

1. Start every morning by looking in the mirror and audibly telling yourself that you look good. 2. Don't deny yourself certain things simply because you don't want to count the calories. 3. Laugh alone - in public. 4. Never be afraid to love too much, or invest too much time in a relationship. 5. Remember to take a bath once in a while. Not a shower, a bath. 6. Paint your toenails a new color. 7. Pay for the person's coffee behind you in the drive-thru line. They'll be thinking about it for the rest of the day, and you might too! 8. Buy a new book. 9. Smile at ten strangers daily, or more if you're feeling so inclined. 10. Use your next coffee date to reminisce about something fantastic with an old friend. 11. Hand write a letter to a good friend telling them how fantastic they are, and how having them in your life has changed or bettered you personally. 12. Happy hour regularly. 13. Interrupt your daily routine at least once a week - i.e., have lunch in a totally new spot, or wake up an hour earlier for a run or just for extra time to yourself in the morning. 14. Secretly foot the bill next time you're out with friends and can afford it, then pretend to be as surprised as they are when everyone finds out. 15. Admit openly that you like __(fill in the blank here with embarrassing TV show/comedian/actress you adore)__, and don't give a shit who judges you for it.

2012-01-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

The best music video I've seen in maybe forever. Basically, reason #2,534 to move back to France.

resolution

2012-01-02T21:35:00.001-08:00

2012: keep it simple, stupid.

sincerely, someone that wants to be loved by you.

2011-12-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be lost anymore. Hope, help, less, I am a mess. I can't be this strong, I can't handle one more no, one more goodbye standing stranded on the sidewalk left with the fumes from your car that left hours ago and the sunrise to appreciate alone. I never told you, I should have told you. Why can't you force the words off of the tip of your tongue when they're hurting you so badly being kept inside? I can't stop thinking what if, I could have, why didn't I... reality bites back and I realize there's nothing I could have done to remedy the situation. Lying there the morning I left, climbing back into bed to try and tell you everything I was thinking, I was feeling. But you left instead, and I exhaled all the thoughts and memories attaching me to you long after you'd been gone. Cleaning up the mess from the night before, cans with other people's lip marks, cigarettes on the balcony, willing myself not to chase after you and ask you to never let me go. My heart is a mess, I'm too much of everything all at once and I've left myself in so many places that I'm beginning to disappear when I'm stuck in one for too long. I want to be with you, there's nothing else I can say right now apart from that. The distance isn't what breaks my heart, it's knowing that you don't care enough to make it worth it. Oh, the things I would do to be with you. Breathing shallow in my chest tonight, I bet you won't even think twice about me. I hope this helps.

2011-12-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of crying, all I wanted to hear was that you wanted to try. That maybe, just maybe, you gave a shit. But you're just like the rest of them, just like every single one. And I tricked myself into thinking that you weren't. It's not fair to me to be this understanding, to be so naive, to wish for the most hopeful things in hopeless situations. I'm so bad at picking up the pieces when nothing seems to fit back together without being forced. It would be a lie to say I'm not upset, the worst of them all to say I'm over it. I wish I was half as numb to things as I pretend to be when you ask if everything's okay. No, everything's not fucking okay, I'm a mess and it's because of you, and me, and I feel like I'm falling apart, and I hate that you don't care... not even a little bit, not even at all.

december is a terrible month for love

2011-12-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

It seems that as mismatch and unluck would have it, the last month of the year disappoints for a third time. I sometimes wonder if I am not made for love, or for the things that seem to come to others so easily. I can't pretend I'm not upset, and I don't care how that makes anybody feel. When the fuck is it my turn.

pas pour tu

2011-12-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

steal back mine

2011-12-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

I like to play pretend sometimes, when reality becomes too boring and the lights in the sky at night seem lackluster. Most mornings, I wait to open my eyes for a moment to imagine you are there instead of an empty pillow and a sounding buzzer for an alarm right past my arm's reach. In awe of a sunrise, wondering if you've watched the same one about an hour ago, if you were driving like I am, wondering what's going on in places outside of where you are. Living inside is becoming tiresome, being unsure, letting myself go... and go, and go. And then, as soon as I know it, you'll be gone too. I'm not ready for this, please push pause so I can live here a bit longer. Moving on seems so unacceptable.

some days.

2011-12-12T11:43:00.000-08:00

I got the last seat on the train that night, it seemed. Bodies packed to the sliding doors in between cars, heat waves rising and energy levels making the hair on my arms stand on end. The consistent buzz of the tracks beneath reminding us that all we are is another cog in the machine. Just another three dollar and sixty-five cent ticket to nowhere, a blank stare into your own reflection on the window, wishing the cement encasing was something much more grand. Touching down that late afternoon, when the sun was settling behind these enormous mountains you call home, they look like they could swallow this city whole. I knew I didn't want to leave, and I still don't want to have to say goodbye to you, and everything that seems to balance my axis and keep me on my toes. Sometimes things simply don't work out the way we'd planned - because if I knew that going to that backyard bonfire and drunken bike ride through my tiny college town that night would bring me here tonight, bring me through the broken strings and tears and nights spent with my knees hugged to my chest willing myself not to break down again... well I can't say if I would have gone or not. I didn't ask for this, but I sure as hell don't want it to go away. I guess I could say I'm still searching for some clarity, but I think I've gotten my answer and that's why it hurts so much tonight. I hate goodbyes, but this time I think I need to change my lenses, and rather than turn my back to simply turn over a new leaf. It's just hard to get myself there when I know that right now you're the only page I want to read in this book, yours are the only lips I want to be kissing when I hear this song. My confusion isn't anger at anybody but myself, and I think that's the worst part. Right now, it hurts. But I know that some days, it will hurt less.

a dying melody

2011-12-05T00:20:00.000-08:00

It's in the negatives outside again tonight and I'm laying here hugging my knees to my chest feeling the pressure of the thin air and an empty right side of this king sized bed. I inhale as deeply as possible and hold my breath, hoping you'll come through that door or send your voice over airwaves and let me in on some little secret. Where are you tonight? With my eyes painfully wide open for fear of falling asleep before you respond, I'll wait for you. There's nothing I want more right now than your hands on me, your breath on my neck, be here now. Too far for too long, too afraid to really let you know. Stop being so distant, I might need you.

the future freaks me out

2011-12-01T21:56:00.000-08:00

Often times I get so caught up in the small details gone awry that I forget to take a step back and assess the overall success of the larger picture. I'm almost done with college damn it! Even if I didn't get exactly the grades I wanted, or finish papers exactly 'on time' (time is relative, as I see it, anyway), leave the best impression on professors and peers and who have you, sleep as much as I should have, study when I knew I needed to... I can almost say I've pretty much done it. And that is a nice feeling! A feeling I should undoubtedly be able to bask in, and gain a sense of accomplishment from. I left my Methods class Wednesday afternoon so excited at the prospect of leaving my last college lecture ever, in fact, that I forgot to turn in my final paper. Rookie mistake. I must start taking joy in the little things, even the little things that don't work out exactly as planned. And when the little pieces seem to become so horribly mangled that I don't see any way that I could fit them back into the puzzle, I need to take two big steps back and survey the grand product. Because shit, a puzzle with one missing piece still looks pretty darn good. I should probably start applying this to areas other than my academic life, as well... but that's a whole 'nother mess - clearly.

Modern Slavery

2011-11-26T23:00:00.000-08:00

So there's this website, slaveryfootprint.org, that allows the user to enter data about themselves such as their location, age/gender, household information, personal spending habits, eating habits, shopping habits, and tons of other stuff. From that data, it calculates how many "slaves work for you" to keep up with your demand on economies and labor industries run by slave labor. It's a really interesting site to check out. I spent about twenty minutes filling my info out (hint: if you click the toggle switch on the left of the screen it allows you to give super precise information which probably makes it a bit more accurate), and this is what it spit out at me:

The things that affected my score the most were: number of dresses I own (it's really ludicrous - 50 is a bit much), number of pairs of underwear I own (...), the amount of pillows on my bed, and the fact that I have more than two types of body wash, conditioner, and shampoo in my shower. Shit! It's weird to think about how the seemingly smallest things can really be that detrimental to someone in a completely different part of the world. Just some food for thought!

over you

2011-11-20T02:45:00.000-08:00

Let yourself fall in love with me - take your hand back from her and make a good decision for once. Let's play a game of who will cave first, I'll be the dealer if you watch my back tonight. I can't sit across from you on this bar stool any longer, watching her hands linger and her eyes wander. Shut it all down, let's leave this town faster than we came. Too late for apologies, mistakes come a dime a dozen, give up and give in to me. I'm spending another night tearing at my eyelashes, leaving streaks of angry black makeup all across my face. Pretend it's all alright, I just want to stay in your arms tonight.

life as a sitcom

2011-11-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

The city, at night. Staying up until 3am.

Me, walking on the sidewalk, and you, walking just a step below me off of the curb so I can practice my balance and stand on my tip toes without fear of falling with no one to catch me.

Covering my face with both hands because I'm embarrassed that our conversation has steered into some serious topic and I've seem to have forgotten my personal stance on the matter... err, what were you saying?

Just pour me another and forget about it.

Moonlight trickling through dirty shutters, illuminating only small parts of this room that it wishes us to see. I reach my hand out almost as far as it will go and wrap it around the back of your neck, remembering how good it feels to be able to touch something that's real. Lighting this old fireplace that hasn't been used in quite some time it seems. Sparking again and again and again until you're frustrated, and as hard as I try I can't help but laugh. I'll hide my smile hoping you won't notice, but you do, and then the fire's lit and we're calm again. I hardly can believe how pretty you make me feel, not a stitch of doubt in the way you look at me when I say something stupid or comment on how terrible my hair is today.
Well, it is!

I'd like to say the story ends here, make it beautiful and wholly romantic. But we'll fight, and then we'll argue. I'll toss things across the room and you'll throw your hands in the air so dramatically like you're giving up for good. Then I'll cry, and you'll fix it, like you always do. We'll have these moments more, too, don't worry. But it won't be easy, and the telephone calls won't always work out the way they should. I can't say what it is right now, but I feel I'm on to something good.

my name is marcel and im partially a shell.

2011-11-15T13:22:00.000-08:00

I want a pet seashell more than anything on this earth! Except a teacup pig & a baby seal.

tiptoes

2011-11-15T00:16:00.000-08:00

I'm not the type of girl to look back in sadness, silence. Regrets over words unspoken and thoughts thrown to the wind. I'm trying so hard to make these moments count, to be precise and accurate in how I portray these things I've been feeling for oh so long. I'd much prefer to lose sleep over an attempt gone awry then never trying at all. If I keep pretending nothing's happening, well that's exactly what will come of it if reason follows logic. There's too much left unsaid to assume you'll understand, but I'd much rather handle the repercussions than sit in silence another minute. If I forget to breathe, it's because I'm with you. If I make a move, will you reciprocate? I'm not good with things like this, but to be uncomfortable for the moment much surpasses replaying a past that never was until I come to term with it. So if you'll let me, I'd like to do what I do best: love and do something crazy.

this order's tall

2011-11-13T00:25:00.000-08:00

Step one: tell me something nice. Let's make some moves, I'm tired of sitting on my hands refusing to give up first. I might be a dreamer, but it's better than being stuck in a fog, not realizing you've been missing out on the sun your entire life until it's too late. Step two: make everything okay.

ENFJ

2011-11-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: I'm obsessed with Myers-Briggs personality typology, and decided to go on an internet hunt if you will of websites that give career suggestions based on your type. I'm at this really bizarre point in my life where, come March, I'll legitimately be able to do whatever I want to do - within reason, of course. I mean, I'll be pretty poor still, but at least I'll be making money. I'll be done with school forever (what?) and be able to pursue any career or job avenue that I want. This is slightly daunting for obvious reasons, but at the same time an incredibly liberating feeling. I want to travel so very badly, I want to go and spend time in so many places and experience whatever life has in store for me. I want so many new faces, languages, foods, interactions... I'm just ready to do something I want to do for once - not sit through six billion hours of classes on racial relations in the US or whatever, but something I really truly feel connected to. The big question now is: what?! So here's some interesting crap I found out on a few of these websites... not quite as helpful as I'd assumed, but thought provoking nonetheless!

"The Pedagogue/Mentor" : recruiter, newscaster, writer, journalist, facilitator, politician, psychologist, career counselor, travel agent, child welfare worker, social worker, interpreter/translator, alcohol/drug counselor, events coordinator, human resources, psychiatrist, teacher/professor.

ENFJ is 5% of the population. Outstanding group leaders, try to help others and be the best that they can be. Optimistic outlook toward social relationships, likely to assume responsibility (tell me about it). Strong ability to empathize can turn into a liability, over-identifying with the pain in others (hello crying in prison class...). Distress caused by idealism, assumptions cannot weather the winds of reality. Fantasizes about relationships that do not turn into reality (ugh), experiences unexpected resistance in roles of leadership. Dissociates from stressful situations to protect personal well-being, pent up stress will be evident in the body through physical symptoms (i sleep til noon). Introspective and altruistic, has excellent people skills. Live in a world of possibilities (you're tellin me!). Is so externally focused that alone time is necessary but difficult, because when alone have a tendency to be too hard on themselves and have dark thoughts (this is creeping me out now).

PS - Bob Saget is an ENFJ. Hells yeah!

i forget to breathe

2011-11-10T00:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think you just don't get it, then I realize you probably never will. In all honesty, this is the most long winded wish I've exhaled in a while, and I'm running out of breath fast. Holding on ever so tightly to the last few threads that bend and break, barely staying connected to what I thought was a sweater but turned out to be a rag. I guess I can't make you understand, but we both know I'll keep trying. So carry on, my fingers are still crossed behind my back.

my whole world is still on your string

2011-11-08T00:55:00.000-08:00

bring me back to the beginning

before landslides and backs turned

on words left unspoken

between shadows of who we once were

whispers that everything will be okay soon

back to the very beginning

not having to miss you

never missing a beat

because everything was just so easy

the dial tone reverberating in my ear reminding me

of a time when you used to pick up

what i wouldn't give to hear your voice

on the other end again

back to the beginning

before long hauls and airplanes

hurricanes and stomachs sick over thinking

i can't believe it's come to this

sometimes everything feels wasted

but i wouldn't reverse a million tears in vain

and one single moment with you

i'd like to close my eyes and tap my heels together

let's be together again

push rewind, make it simple again

come closer.

things i miss.

2011-11-06T22:54:00.000-08:00

Running my fingers along your spine for the very last time, knowing you'll be gone in the morning and I'll be left with this half empty bottle of champagne and that fuzzy head hangover that will unknowingly remind me of this night for months to come. The longest airplane ride sidled between two strangers, accompanied by lots of sighs and tears blurring the face asking me if I want peanuts or water. No, all I want is to be back in bed with you, happy. Waking up to the cold side of the pillow this morning, a rude awakening from another dream that you were here with me again. You know you drive me crazy, I wonder what you're doing when we don't talk, and I wonder what you're thinking when we do. Oh the things I would do to catch your sideways smile again, to grab your arm in a crowded bar and feel safe right there in the center of the madness. To light your cigarettes when you asked me to, and disappear in your big sweatshirt. It's okay to say that sounds alright, just fine with you if that's what I want to do. I'll take you for a spin, you'll forget where you end and I begin, I want to do this all over again, and again, and again.

if this song had lips i would kiss it.

2011-11-06T17:00:00.001-08:00

our minds were meant to sail

2011-11-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I used to believe that everything I saw in commercials was true. That kids who consumed Gushers candy could actually make their heads turn into exploding watermelons, and that Skittles really did magically pour out of the ends of the most peculiar rainbows. When I see these oh so memorable commercials air now, I laugh and think - what precious naivete. But really, am I still that way in certain respects? Believing everything people say to me, not questioning motives or people's character unless otherwise forced to? Believing that "I Love You" means I am loved, that nobody has deep darks quite as deep and as dark as I do? I can't quite comprehend the confusion regarding the magnitude of specific actions and words spoken, and how saying and doing are two separate entities in the minds of those who are confused. If I love you, then god damn it I love you.

occupy a god damn book

2011-11-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

First things first, I sympathize with "the 99%" and their plight against the detriments to the common man that are the direct results of capitalism. Having said that, I completely am against this bullshit:

How do you expect the police to respect you and your rights as citizens when you're acting like violent children? Vandalizing local businesses that have nothing to do with you and your 'activism,' not peacefully protesting but completely resisting all common sense and thought. I hate shit like this so much. These are the people that ruin what could be a meaningful movement that could alter the course of the way our society views 'the middle class' and the overwhelming and debilitating power of our capitalistic government.

well yeah, no, obviously.

2011-11-01T00:37:00.001-07:00

thanks BBC, i like your accents.

2011-10-31T15:35:00.000-07:00

This frightens me.

I read somewhere that the Earth supposedly will only hold 8 billion people sustainably... how the hell is it supposed to contain 10 billion in less than 80 years?! We are doomed. Other fun facts...

First of all, what the hell is a Moldovian? 97 out of every 100 new people on the planet are born in developing countries. Yeah, developing FETUSES. Get birth control!

Looks like we should all adopt a steady diet of rice and mahematics! Err, on second thought, since we're bursting at the seams, maybe we should resort to... nevermind, can't make that joke, not trying to go to hell.

welcome to the cards i have showing

2011-10-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

You know those moments where you're laying in the darkness and you want to say so much but simply can't bring yourself to give life to the words that so vividly explain what you're feeling at that exact moment? Lips moving at a painfully slow speed, tracing out each delicate phrase and sentence but emitting only breath and silent pleas for understanding. Bent in half with my knees almost up to my chest to create some body heat, because Lord knows I'm not getting any from you. Letting my imagination paint spectacular hues along the pale yellow wall three feet from my face, wishing so desperately that I could turn around and look up into yours but knowing full well you're turned the opposite direction, too. Tears well up in my right eye and it's all I can do to keep them from escaping and rolling down my cheeks and onto your brand new pillow cases. I'm sorry if I need more than you care to offer right now, but it's too much and too little all at once and I'm afraid I can't keep this up much longer. Every deep inhale leading up to a drum roll announcing nothing, too many inhibitions and not enough open dialogue to let you in on this stupid little monologue I've ran through my mind a billion times. No call, no response. Wait for the morning and leave without so much as a kiss on the cheek, cry myself right back to sleep, you could never be the person I wish you were to me.

a season for being lackluster

2011-10-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've been in a real bad writing slump lately. I have a lot on my mind, and my heart, but I can't seem to find the right words to release it. I really despise this feeling. I imagine this is like what Helen Keller felt like every single day of her terrible life. I also imagine that if I don't stop making Helen Keller jokes, karma will someday catch up to me and hit me square in the retina with a dart or something equally painful/demobilizing.

Some things I am really tired of: horrible hangovers, sleeping in until noon for no apparent reason, countdowns to things I really don't need to be counting down until (aka try living in the present, fool), rainy days with absolutely no trace of sunlight, painful shoes and walking really far in them, not having a multitude of friends you can trust within a stone's throw.

Some things I could really never get tired of: marathon phone calls with friends fah fah away, text conversations that literally make you laugh out loud at yourself/your friends, smiling at strangers, strangers who smile back, really cute kids in Halloween costumes (particularly sharks), daydreaming about not being in school anymore, getting shit crossed off of your to-do list, & the perfect PERFECT cup of soy chai with espresso at four in the afternoon (aka never sleeping again).

word vomit

2011-10-28T14:50:00.000-07:00

Good god! If I could sum up my week in a few short words it would be this: fun sized candy bars (and eating them until they're not so fun anymore...), midterm papers from hell, getting to two classes out of five, sleeping in far too late, court dates, teachers that worship the devil, bank account flirting with zero, no motivation to hit the gym. So, obviously, it's been one for the books. Shoot me. Oh and Halloween? Perfect timing.

in love.

2011-10-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

Totally awestruck by the beautiful composition of this video. Iceland looks amazing. I mean, I guess I've never really considered it to be an exciting place to visit, but damn. Not a bad soundtrack, either.

MADE IN ICELAND from Klara Harden on Vimeo.

study break

2011-10-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

Enough poverty statistics to make a girl scream! Research papers kill my soul. Refill this coffee cup and please don't stop shining, sun.

rip me apart again

2011-10-22T02:40:00.000-07:00

What happens when everybody else can bring to life perfectly the words that are stuck between your tongue and your lips? The words that seldom make themselves known, but when they do worlds collide and beauty is born out of indecency. I always wanted to say these things to you, but simply never had the courage to. There's probably a she who knows you much better than I ever could, and it's obvious we're too far apart and I'm far too wrapped up in these inconsistencies. I always want what I can't have, and you're the nicest thing I've ever seen. Sometimes life plays tricks on you, and right now I know it's the most unjust, the least fair. So here's to saying sorry; again.

2011-10-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

"You smell like whiskey and cigarettes.."

"You smell like Paris."

obsessed: understatement

2011-10-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

I think any of my friends (yeah, all two of you) who read this awful thing already know that I'm absolutely out of my mind, so I have no qualms whatsoever about this post! I watched the pilot and the second episode (about Paris, so obviously I loved it because I'm a sentimental weirdo) of the new show Pan Am, and remembered two things: first, how obsessed I am with vintage things and classic photographs, and second, how much I want to be an airline flight attendant. I guess they called them stewardesses back then, but I am far more politically correct and would never do such a thing (JK I would). So without further ado, my new life goal - since apparently The Real World doesn't want to cast me. Those assholes.

memories amiss

2011-10-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

You know what they say baby, life goes by fast. Reminding ourselves of the weekend we met over lukewarm cups of tea, how fun it was to play pretend and how dangerous some of those trips to the beach on empty tanks of gas and freedom Fridays were. Listen to that track just one more time, the one that made us say I love you, and it's true I never loved you more. Feet travel back to that never ending clap track, the one that I would play in the mornings while I cleaned the kitchen and you would complain was the most obnoxious thing you'd ever heard. Photos we saved in a box I labeled for our kids and you scratched out with a pencil and instead wrote you're pretty. Well you're pretty too, and you always have been, but you're never prettier than when you're happy here with me. We can't stop remembering how we felt in the beginning, how everything changes but something can stay the same. Sometimes I want daisies, but other days flowers just won't do... but you already figured that out the second time you brought them home and I burst into tears on the living room floor. You fix the broken television, I'll keep wishing on 11:11. You're oh so contained, but honey I'll instigate spontaneity in your bones. You're my guy, you'll always be my guy, no matter how many laugh lines appear on your face, how your skin will change and those years in the sun will look only half as bad as they always look so gorgeous now. I can't tell you where we're going, but I know it's somewhere good, and I'm glad it's you by my side to balance my instability, to chase down my meds with clean water, to hold my hand when I can't stop tapping my fingers to the beat. Be mine again.

2011-10-19T01:37:00.001-07:00

2011-10-17T23:34:00.002-07:00

bigger than you know, my dear

2011-10-17T23:34:00.000-07:00

Light me up before you go, baby. Throw a little spark my way. Let's finish these cigarettes and find the closest bus stop, because I'm freezing and these tights are ripped from bar stool number four. This alley is too dark to be traipsing down alone so late, let me hold your hand. Can you tell me something nice, even just for tonight? You know what I'm feeling, it's evident in every step we take closer to my apartment and further from the reality that we know nothing about each other. Following rivers, falling in streams, with you in between waking moments - I'm conscious. Rhythmic thumps emanating from your chest, I can feel them all the way over here. Slide on over, come in to me a little closer. Love seats and footstools, balancing my body so all you have to do is reach out. Legs and arms in places they don't belong, like hanging upside down from the balcony drinking champagne out of straws and paper cups folded up just so. Lanterns light the sidewalks of this tiny ghost town, somebody came before us and it's inevitable they'll succeed us sooner than we know... please leave a note on the counter before you leave, I'll be missing you till the morning. Missing you like I always do.

rain, release

2011-10-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

grab, grasp, dance. sway away, fast again, slow. head in the clouds, never coming down. with you, with you it's all alright, completely fine. voices hushed over loud speakers, lips to cheek whispering words i'll never say out loud. i know that look, yeah i'm pretty sure i've seen it before. hiding somewhere between salient and dreams, it's all pretty apparent to me. take my hand if you want, if not then let's just stop. pretending like the distance between our palms isn't a chasm, everything i feel multiplied ten times and hidden at the bottom of this bottle. restless again tonight, but it's fine, it's always alright. roll my head back on my neck, waiting for my second chance. exhale, i just want to keep breathing you in till our time's over. sooner than i knew, than i'd hoped. i still know what i saw, i wasn't lying to myself until i said it wasn't over. now it's time to fly, so stop stepping on my wings.

i feel it all

2011-10-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

Today I was reminded that this exists: how incredible it must be to feel so connected to somebody that you don't even have to speak the words on your tongue; rephrasing how you feel when you're with them, reiterating how lovely they are to you. I wish that... that comfortable silence between kisses, between words, between nothing. Not having to prove a single damn thing, because you know... you just know. Screw what the rest of them say, we'll stay in bed all day - we'll blow this city away. Imagining that I know how it feels to hold the hand of somebody you really truly love, somebody you can't imagine life without, somebody like that. Just like that.

how we lost hold of...

2011-10-13T00:10:00.000-07:00

Heels strewn across my floor, acapella voices thrown from wall to wall, and the only thing on my mind is you. Stop me if I'm crossing another line, again, for the thousandth time in a row. I've given up, it's hopeless to keep acting like I don't want you so badly. Deep rooted beliefs that there's something, anything, at the heart of what I'm feeling right now. My palms clasp, my chest shakes, I can't breathe when I think about what I'm going to say to you. Enough is enough, I've got to stop living in the past. Wishing life had a repeat button; that I could live in a pretend reality that I imagined all on my own. With you, always with you.

laugh this off

2011-10-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not going back to the assholes that made me a perfect display of random acts of hopelessness, wish I could stay here but i think we're already...

I've really got to stop this, now. Unhealthy would be an understatement. Cycles of learning to love myself, hating the very essence of me, going against my nature, turning back into myself and remembering exactly where I fit within this tired old picture frame. Mending broken pieces, fixing parts of me I never knew were broken. Thanks to you, and you, and you... yeah, you too. But mostly thanks to me, and my indecision, my great need to be accepted. To be loved. To love. Breathe deep and let life roll between the shoulders of every great moment, underneath the shadows of all the deep dark somethings, work its way in between the crevices that separate me from you and you from everything I love. It'll all be fine, as long as I let it be. Let it be.

at the door.

2011-10-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

My heart is heavy again, leaving friends behind cement walls and barred windows. Driving home down the 5 in the pounding rain, wondering if they can hear it from their 10x10 laying four feet above their cellmate. What they wouldn't give to be in my shoes right now. What they wouldn't do to be able to go home and cook noodles with spaghetti sauce... as I complain about how long the water takes to boil. Sitting here contemplating how I'm going to go grocery shopping tomorrow and fit everything on my bike, then trying to imagine not being able to choose what you eat, when you eat, or how long you get to eat. Not being able to ride my bike to the store, not having a bike, not having freedom. My heart hurts at these sobering facts, my mind can't comprehend eighteen years living this life and being able to sit down in our three-hour long class with a legitimate smile. Knowing you won't set foot outside of these walls for at least the next twenty-two, but working toward something beyond being locked up, being a statistic, being another number in our system. I've never been so emotionally and mentally challenged in a class before in my life.

wouldn't it be nice?

2011-10-09T14:09:00.001-07:00

i blame me

2011-10-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

Too busy to let me down slowly

Dropped like a pile of bricks on a Saturday afternoon

10,000 feet above anywhere for me to land graciously

My stomach in a free fall, my heart not far behind
Tears rolling down both cheeks as the horizon slips by

It still hurts now like it hurt back then
Window seat, tapping my feet incessantly to the beat of the engine

In the quiet silence of solitude, I can almost feel it again

Voices that I'm not good enough, never good enough

Sentiments that to love is too difficult for a girl like me

Trust me when I say this has happened before, it'll happen again

Because I break my own heart, I always break my own heart

Impatiently waiting, willing something to turn out right

Pretending to make sense out of nonsensical things

Unloved, unlovable, who told you those things?

Cheeks rubbed raw from saline tears and too-short fingernails

Fighting the urge to call you, reach a dial tone again

Resisting the need to feel something else - anything else

I'm tearing at the seams of every relationship I have

Breaking and bending the will of whoever will let me
Freedom from a debilitating sickness birthed in my mind
We never existed outside of this place, why try to now?

I break my own heart, I always break my own heart

2011-10-08T01:20:00.000-07:00

Here: too much indifference, not enough excuses. There: too much love, not enough outlets. Here: stuck between existing and compromising. There: trapped in an endless cycle of romance and poverty. Here: days full of rain but bright hearts when things related to there come into question or conversation. There: snow and sunshine, intertwined in a beautiful harmony that draws me, naturally. Here: difficult when I try to put it into words. There: complicated in process, but simple when felt in my bones. Here: reminiscing. There: living. Here: I'm stuck. There: you are.

This is more difficult than imagined - tougher than it seems. My skin is thick, but only to an extent. Right now? I'm bursting at the seams. My decisions haunt me, memories plague me. Ghosts of my past dwelling in my present. Some won't leave me alone, others refuse to overstay their welcome. The mat's always dry, the fire's lit for you, what are we waiting for? I'm uncomfortable here. I need space, I need clarity, I need there.

everything falls apart, sometimes.

2011-10-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

Life throws me a lot of curve balls, and honestly? I'm getting kind of sick of it. I'm a big planner, I like to know what I'm doing when and how exactly I'm doing it. My social life, my academic calendar, my personal interests - all planned. I have a day planner, for god's sake! Who owns one of those anymore? On any given day, my phone calendar has four different reminders set to alarms so I don't forget what I'm supposed to do on that particular day. Literally, if a to-do point doesn't exist in that calendar, chances are it's not getting accomplished on time, if at all. I've been pouring my time, thoughts, and heart into my Teach for America application over the past two months or so, only to receive the most upsetting news this afternoon. I wasn't invited to the final interview, which is the final stage of their 5-part application process. I felt so confident in my phone interview that I honestly didn't even entertain the thought that I wouldn't be invited to the final interview, so it really came as a difficult shock to absorb this afternoon. Now I'm sitting here cross-legged in front of my computer with a completely blank mind - I'm moving home in two months, hopefully have my minimum wage job to fall back on until May, and then...? I'll be a college graduate, unemployed, living at mom & dad's. Living. The. Dream. I didn't make a Plan B, I don't like to even consider the thought that my Plan A's might not work out. This is not how I saw this scenario playing itself out. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. Thank goodness for good friends who offer kind words. Tomorrow is a new day!

2011-10-04T16:46:00.000-07:00

okay real talk - so we all know I'm no fashion connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination, but i happened upon this website that caught my eye this afternoon and had to share. i like the concept, i like the photos, and i LOVE the fact that nearly their entire fall collection is blacks, greys, and muted reds. speak to my soul, much? Laugh Cry Repeat is William Anzevino, Pennsylvania native turned Los Angeles designer. LCR is his second line, launched in Fall 2010, and is a to DIE for infant.

Fall 2011 Faves

2011-10-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

What a lovely start to October. Fully prepared for fall, even if that means foggy mornings and days full of rain I'll take it, because that means snow is up next. Seriously already dreaming about skiing and throwing an extra down comforter on my bed and wearing those ugly furry socks around the house so my toes don't get frostbite. Hallelujah for the seasons, and also for new people and fresh faces and lovely outlooks.

heavy eyelids, heavy hearts

2011-09-26T23:21:00.000-07:00

I spent the last four hours at the Oregon State Penitentiary with a dozen other students and fifteen inmates getting to know each other and being thrown into the hugest whirlwind of a "first day of class" I've ever experienced. I'm taking part in an amazing program called Inside Out that combines University students with inmates who are either degree-seeking while they are incarcerated, or simply want to be a part of the class for a learning experience outside of their normal lives in prison. At first thought, the class seemed like it would be an interesting and thought provoking experience to be able to be a part of during my final few months at Oregon State; so I applied! As luck (or fate) would have it, I got into the class and didn't think much of it past that... until this weekend. I was honestly super excited for the class, and wasn't nervous at all.

The ride over to Salem tonight with a few of my other classmates was all well and fine, none of us seemed nervous or apprehensive about the class - in fact, we barely even talked about it. Upon entering the prison, the drive on I-5 seemed like years ago, the openness of being "outside" didn't seem to exist there. Yeah, I was unnerved. We went through security, then through general population for about two minutes which was honestly two of the most nerve racking two minutes of my entire year, then into a big open classroom to wait for the "Insiders" (inmates at OSP who will be taking this class with us all term). They filed in and we went through the motions of shaking hands and making awkward small talk. The man who ended up sitting across from me told me that this is his third Inside-Out class, and he keeps applying for the class because it's like an extended visit time, which he only gets once a week from his father. He seemed so genuinely interested in talking to me and hearing about what I was studying in school - you know that cliche question "what's your major?" well he asked it in a way that I honestly had never experienced before, like, he actually gave a shit.

We spent the better part of two hours getting to know our new classmates, sharing stories, telling stupid jokes and doing a few lame icebreaker type games that actually ended up facilitating conversation pretty well. The end of class was spent considering the meaning behind this quote: "The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering it's prisons." The conversation spun away from that topic, but the things we ended up covering were so personal and such deeply misunderstood things in my own life that I couldn't help myself from crying. Being brought to tears in a group of inmates and perfect strangers (with the exception of a few people I've had classes with) is not a comfortable feeling, yet I didn't feel like I was doing something taboo or strange by letting my emotions overcome me. It was such an overwhelming experience, I'm confused at how every other person made it out of those prison walls without shedding a tear or two.

When it came time to end the class, I don't think anybody wanted to leave. It was such a surreal experience to get to hear these men's life stories and the experiences that led them to the situations they're in currently, and then also to be able to share our perspectives as people who have grown up in a world so opposite of theirs. I can honestly say I've never been this excited about a college course in my entire life, and I'm already looking forward to next Monday. The trip back to Corvallis wasn't as somber as I'd expected it to be. It was lightly raining and the I-5 was more or less empty at 9:30pm on a Monday night, which was actually almost enjoyable. I only wish I'd been with people whom I was comfortable enough with to really express my emotions about the visit, and my hopes for next week and the rest of the term. My heart is heavy tonight, but also hopeful.

2011-09-24T14:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes things just don't feel good, and there's nothing you can do about it. In a major funk today... I need some ocean air or something.

i can see for miles.

2011-09-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I forget you were ever there until I turn around and feel your fingers caught up in the tangles of my hair. Stop dreaming, pretending we were never alone - awake at such an hour that only one side of the moon and insomniacs know. I feel I've grown beyond this and it's evident you have too. Can we rewind the tapes of our lives, replay those moment stumbling down dark Portland streets, falling in puddles and laughing it off like our egos weren't bruised? Clap tracks are my favorite, I know you probably won't agree. So much left to discover, conversations muted, miles spread further and further apart as I hop on planes, trains and automobiles... and you stay where you are, with that fucking cigarette between your lips. Exactly where I want to press a finger and ask for simplicity, no more words, no more one-sided dialogue running through my memories, no more confused tears streaming down my cheeks multiple nights in a row. It's a dilemma, it's my issue, it's an inconsistent notion that I know doesn't exist outside of these parameters; but I'm still willing to dream like a fucking idiot. Keep calm, cool, stay collected. I'll wander far, but never far enough to keep me from calling back to you. Crawling back to you. This is what I've decided, this is who I've become. I hate it.

2011-09-22T19:46:00.001-07:00

Oh, just reminding myself that I kick ass... no matter how many things go wrong. Never stop laughing.

hello, something.

2011-09-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

You miss out on a great deal of beauty when you live with your eyes closed. Bicycle rides in the warm summer nights, drifting down these wide unknown streets bent over my handlebars breathing deeper with every inhale. Rolling alongside you through stoplights and chasing down dreams kept around every street corner. Palm to palm in between smiles, sitting on the edge of the river listening to the low din that is the city at night, encapsulated in lights and sounds. Street performers working their magic till dawn, college students participating in the mass exodus from the pubs to the closest couch, walking hand in hand in between it all - you can't forget it when I'm there with you, can you? I won't, not anytime soon at least. Most precious memories made with eyes wide open, hearts truthfully so full of content and life that they could burst at any given moment. Smiles wider than this street, hands open to whatever you may put inside of them, wild lives ready to be lived and enjoyed. I can't imagine anything else.

2011-09-20T00:18:00.000-07:00

The brain processes loneliness in the same area as physical pain. I know this because I've spent nights in tears over broken parts and pieces that no medicine could heal, that no bandage could fix, that no words could make better. It's a sickness, being trapped inside your own mind sometimes - I don't know what happens when you can't find your way out. The twists that my path to growing up has taken have been harsh, with severe consequences on either side of the coin. Sometimes fear manifests itself in ugly ways; it makes you hate the person you've become, it seeps into every cell of your being and eats you alive from the inside out. It manifests itself in harsh criticisms and negative words, in persistent pessimism and doubt, being too afraid to try anything at the risk of experiencing failure. Screaming at yourself that you aren't good enough, you'll never be good enough! Loneliness is a bitch, and isolation is her sister, neither of whom I'd like to encounter again any time soon. These days I'd rather keep my head up and my shoulders high, the promises I've made to myself are of far greater importance than any empty notions or words that have been given to me in the past. I love me, and I'm truly not givin a fuck what anybody else thinks.

2011-09-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

don't let the clouds bring you down

rain on my parade

wash my memories away

F Off Summer!

2011-09-14T16:35:00.000-07:00

Winter Wish List. Hurry up already, would ya?

Oakley Eaves Jacket

Roxy Torah Bright Pant - no shame

Armada ARVw's

Line Heartbreaker Hoodie - most retarded effing name of all time ever

Moment Bellas

Betty Rides Lucky Plaid Trinity Parka

miles apart

2011-09-11T23:44:00.000-07:00

Let's not try to make this any more difficult than it has to be, goodbyes without anything as small as a kiss on the cheek. Can't stand to turn my back to you, wondering if you'll forget or watch me go. Mind is spinning but it feels alright, until I leave the ground and the tears well up in the corners of my eyes and I wonder to myself what I've gotten into this time around. Cool breeze in your passenger's seat, feeling less than adequate but I suppose you believe that I'll do - at least for the time being. I could stare at you all day, you're so fucking beautiful. Grab my bags, wipe my eyes, I'm off to the next grand adventure. You're not a part of the past, I want to keep you in my pocket and retrieve you in the future. Will you let me? Can I hold on to this for as long as possible without sounding crazy, without making you feel distant, without driving myself insane? God damn this is difficult.

2011-09-10T14:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here at the tail end of an unbelievably interesting summer full of lots of lessons, kisses, stories, adventures, smiles, a wedding for good measure, flights, trains, buses, and lots of walking. As I resonate on the experiences I've been lucky enough to call the story of my summer, I'm struck by one overarching theme.

I don't fancy myself a philosopher or some great mind whose thoughts deserve complete recognition, but there is one thing that I realized I know quite a bit about this summer - I might even say I'm professional at it - and that's how to find good good people in a world full of crazy inconsistencies. I like to think I'm blessed with a gene that draws me to the type of people who will do more to enrich my life then tear me down, who can share wisdom and tough love when it's needed, people I can trust, who deserve that trust and demand much respect. I seriously feel like the luckiest girl alive to be graced with so many beautiful people constantly. And no matter where in the world most of the people whose faces are flashing by in my head as I'm writing this are, they're never too far to forget about, never too far for a phone call. From Oregon to New York, Jersey to Utah, California to Texas, my heart is insurmountably happy when I consider what beautiful friends I have in so many beautiful places. I want to live in this moment forever, pure relational bliss.

2011-09-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

Lack of updates reasoning: I was busy helping my cousin get married. I mean, not physically like pushing her down the aisle or anything, but like painting bottles purple and ordering cakes and making appointments and finding flowers and... sigh. I really love weddings, especially when they involve your loved ones. Who's next!??!

2011-08-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

I try not to air out my sick obsession with pop culture on this blog all that often - that being said, I honestly could not help myself when I first viewed these shots of Kim Kardash at this weekend's Video Music Awards. My first thought was: overlooking Spanx was a pretty unforgivable technical error. My second thought was: wait a second... who styled her? Even with Spanx this outfit would still look a hot mess! I usually praise everything Kim wears from the ground up (when her mouth is shut, that is), but this is awful, just... really... awful. RIP Kim's untouchable fashion sense.

On a more positive note, I don't care how great of a hot mess Brit is currently, this tribute dance is EPIC and embodies the saga of a pretty phenomenal career. Can't deny it, I really love her.

Get More: 2011 VMA, Music

WTF Oakland?

2011-08-30T10:51:00.000-07:00

Reason #4,689 why I would never attend a Raiders game. I seriously do not understand people sometimes.

2011-08-29T23:22:00.000-07:00

Warning: this is going to be one of those 'Dear Diary' blog entries because (a) I am feeling rather uninspired, (b) I'm too tired to think of clever things to say, and (c) I just need a place to blow off steam/stay stupid things without any real consequences.

That being said; today marks my last day in Oakland for the summer! Bittersweet to be sure, but it's been so fun and the amount of time I spent here was perfect, and truth be told I miss Oregon, and my friends... and am SO ready for the adventures that I have lined up for the next few weeks! I came down here end of June, spent most of July unemployed and bored as hell. Did a lot of San Francisco exploring that month, made a few random friends which turned out to be pretty hilarious. Minor mishaps, but nothing too terrible. This month has been more work than play, which is a good thing! Got a job making coffee right down the street from the house which was super convenient and actually pretty fun. Worked at Outside Lands which was great, did some work for the SF Marathon which wasn't super spectacular but it paid well so who cares! Went to my first ever Giants game - yay! Also wAas lucky enough to get to hit up an A's game with my grandma who is a DIE hard fan, along with my aunt and her boyfriend. Explored a bit of Oakland, spent lots of time with family. I'd say that all in all this was a pretty successful summer away from Oregon. Oh yeah, also, experienced my first (and probably last) Brazilian Wax and damn, that is really painful. Like, really really painful. Like equally as painful as ovarian cysts, which make you feel crippled/actually cripple you they hurt so bad. Probably won't do that to myself again. Oh, also did it on top of a nasty tanning bed sunburn - IDIOT. Felt like masochistic yoga for a good twenty minutes or so, pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my butt. But anyway.

Tomorrow afternoon I'll be heading down to Santa Barbara with my neurotic yet highly lovable Aunt Sabrina, the soon-to-be mother of the bride! I think we're staying at Britt's tomorrow night, then she's renting a house for the rest of the family (my parents and Jack, my other aunt and her boyfriend, my uncle, my grandparents, and a few other random relatives who don't really count in my personal opinion but whatever), so they'll be staying together for the week. The Bachelorette Party is on Thursday - which is all a surprise to Britt, so that should be fun. I booked manicures and pedicures for the six of us that afternoon, then we're going to grab dinner at this restaurant called Blush, head back to the condo to mix some cocktails and do stupid Bachelorette party games and such, then hopefully head out to the bars to dance our faces off after we're two sheets to the wind. I believe that most (if not all) of the bridal party are staunch Christian girls, so if they don't let loose for this celebration I swear to everything holy that I WILL roofie them all.

Rehearsal dinner is Friday, which should be fun because most of us haven't met "his" family. I've also heard that his mother is a bit on the psychotic side, so maybe I'll make a new friend. Then, the big day is Saturday - eek! Still kinda in shock it's already here. Damn... my cousin's getting married. Her fiancee is so cool though, his name is Tina, I mean it. I think I'm driving down to Hollywood Sunday with my aunt and her boyfriend and their big smelly lab (in the Range Rover which I totally call dibs on if Jen dies in some freak accident). Staying there overnight, then probably catching the train to San Clemente/San Juan Capistrano to meet Hunter on Monday... bum around for a day then we'll be on the road to SLC come Tuesday (earrrrly) morning!

Super excited for these next few months of my life. Some big things, some little things, some new people, some old people... some moves, some purchases, some big decisions, some searching. We'll see. I'm ready for it all, let's goooooo!

2011-08-29T21:33:00.001-07:00

2011-08-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

I know I claim this often, but I'm really starting my book this time. It's going to be a sardonic memoir of sorts; a recounting of the last few years of my mishap-fueled life if you will. The title right now is tentatively "A Book About Floating: not, necessarily, swimming." If anybody reads this and has any comments or suggestions on the title it'd be much appreciated. Also, if you feel so inclined (which I would honestly appreciate MUCH more because I'm struggling with content past chapter 7 or so), remind me of any specific circumstances or stories that you were involved in with me that might merit or add to the credibility of the ridiculous nature of this "book."

Here we go again...

2011-08-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's simple: I belong somewhere else. I don't know if a change of era is in order, or simply a change of scenery, either way I can honestly say I'm tired of this. These things I fill my time with, these familiar comfortable footsteps. The damned bus routes that take me between homes I lay my head down at, to coffee shops where I sit and frantically type like I'm mad at my computer inside of, to places I tie an apron around my waist and serve people drinks and call it 'work.' I need something new, and I know I say this often but the caged bird feeling just won't stay at bay, no matter how hard I try and make it disappear. I attempt to push it deep down into some hidden place where I won't feel it's constant nagging, into some space where it has no hold on my emotions or my (lack of) perfect planning. I'm sorry I don't seem present, although my body stands in front of you my heart is in twenty different places, my soul spread exhaustively thin, and my mind in constant wander and wonder. I don't know what makes me tick, I couldn't tell you what I like and dislike about a vacation I took or a moment I found myself trapped in, taking disposable photographs alongside four other girls who looked really really lovely, but I could never pinpoint my emotions. I'm not present till I'm moving, never feel completely full of emotion until I'm gone, I don't miss people before they turn their backs, can't recall instances moments after they happened but rather weeks or months in the future. I don't wear a watch because I don't like to feel jaded by the unfair amount of hours we're allowed per day, the unfair amount of days we're allowed to breathe this air, I don't want the days to end simply like I never want the adventure to be over. I'm not running, I simply refuse to be stagnant, and the comfort that I find so quickly and so fluidly in new situations is equal parts unnerving and comforting to me. When will I find the place where I feel comfort, yet solace in the fact that I don't need to keep searching anymore, if it exists for an adventuresome soul like mine?

2011-08-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

and love, and love, who is fascinating who now? climbing over every single something standing between the two of us, breaking it down, please break it all down. i've felt like i am, like i have for some time. who is leaving who in the dust now? if it's my turn to take the wheel hand over the controls, darling, give them to me. give me a smile, give me a smile... stay a while. billions of bridges to conquer, time is on our side if we take them one at a time. who is fascinating who now?

2011-08-16T16:56:00.001-07:00

just don't have the words to sayyyyyy

2011-08-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

2011-08-10T21:33:00.000-07:00

Just spent the last hour deleting (most) of what I'd written of my stupid never-ending never-gonna-be-finished book/memoir/still don't know what to call it. Came across this tiny segment in a part that I had written about Paris. I am the most sentimental bitch I know.

"Waking up way too early AGAIN, and goddamn it this alarm clock is annoying. I forgot to shut that big bay window that faces my bed AGAIN, and my toes and nose are froze. I wish this stupid clock had a snooze button on it. Do they not have snooze buttons here? They don’t have a lot of useful things. Examples: fitted sheets. Peanut butter. Large dogs as pets.

Okay I seriously have to get out of bed right now or I WILL fall back asleep and miss class. Then I’ll get yelled at and probably fail and end up failing college because my credits won’t transfer back to my home university. If you can even call it a university, but, yeah, whatever.

The city started lighting up about an hour ago. Buildings, cigarettes, sunshine. I never want to leave this stupid little bed that I’ve already shared twice, but there’s so much to see outside these four walls I almost feel forced to. Tough life, having to wake up early to learn a new language and explore a foreign city with the most haphazardly fabulous group of people I've ever had the pleasure of exploring with.

This is legitimately the last thought that goes though my head as I decide to get the hell out of bed and into the shower. Damn it I forgot my right shower shoe is broken… looks like I’m walking to the showers barefoot this morning. Again.

I somehow manage to make it through my entire morning routine without thinking one single thought, no electrons firing through my head, no words escaping my lips, nobody to share some dialogue with, and so I forego monologue with myself. I really love this city, even if I don’t know it yet. You know that quote from Johnny Depp in Blow, “life passes you by while you’re making grand plans for it?” When I reminisce on these mornings, that summer, those afternoons spent wondering ‘what should we do,’ I understand exactly what it means.

Babies. Actually. Wear. Berets. Here.

Sitting on the cement shores of the Seine drinking wine from the bottle and dangling our feet dangerously over the edge, pretending we could never fall in until one of us got so drunk that we did. That is a filthy river, by the way.

Kissing strangers on boats at night, buying drinks whose names we forgot the next morning but whose retributions we paid in full. Shots of espresso to clear the mind and rubbing with fists to clear the eyes. Beginning our days with the long commute to school, classes held in buildings older than our country, languages spoken so fluently and interchangeably you’d almost never guess you were somewhere other than home. Such beautiful mornings, even more breathtaking evenings. Cathedrals exploding with light and sound at night, street performers and people selling cans of beer on the corner before the holy dirty combination of beauty and humanity. Nobody can’t fall in love with this city. You don't have to come here to fall in love. I’m in love with it all. I want to put my hand against the cool marble stone of the Sacré Cœur just one more time, just to see if it feels the same as when I was deliriously happy that summer there, with them, with my heart in a million pieces.

Je pourrais rester et de ne jamais quitter. I could stay and never leave.

wednesday jamz

2011-08-10T13:04:00.000-07:00

I know, now let me go.

2011-08-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

Guess what, baby? Dreams go by, tell me something good because you know I'm just passing through to see you. Take me away, didn't you hear I learned to fly? Since you've been away everything's changed. Words don't express anymore, motions become pained, I don't feel the same. We could rehash things, but I'd rather just lay here and revel in the feeling of grass between my toes and cool bay breezes over my arms and across my face. You could stay, you could leave. Pretentious of me to think you'd want to, but I guess in the end it's all the same to me. Time to fly now, time to fly... on to the next green grass blue eyed tongue twisted adventure. Maybe someday I'll be back through to see you.

2011-08-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

Dear World, I cannot contain my excitement over the fact that I'm going to be paid to be at this year's Outside Lands Music Festival for all THREE days of it. Holy hell & hallelujah. See you soon, in no particular order: MGMT, Toro Y Moi, Ellie Goulding, Best Coast, The Shins, Erykah Badu, Sia, Eskmo, Black Keys, The Roots, Girl Talk, The Decembrists, Beirut, and Deadmau5. Oh and by "no particular order" I meant "those are all in the order in which they will be playing." I'm going to go have a heart attack now, bye.

2011-08-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

I should have just grabbed your face and kissed it when I had the chance, god damn my inhibitions. Those mornings should have been a great deal more ethereal than they were, less bleary eyes being massaged awake, more time spent in the moment and forehead kisses. I don't know where my mind went during those early mornings, but it was less present than even in my memories. I'm holding on to what little bits and pieces I have left of it now, but as time passes on everything turns to dust and I'm left with a handful of ashes to commemorate something that was never anything so I can't say it was lost. Confused would be an understatement, hopeful would just do my lost cause justice. Sometimes I just feel at a crossroads with no desire to chose either path, or perhaps I know exactly which way to turn but life continues to fuck up my plans so I blame my loses on indecision, my heartaches on indiscretion, my days spent alone on personal choice and independence. I'm happy but not content, I'm smiling but I'm willing to smile a little wider, I'm laughing but I'm not laughing with you.

2011-08-04T14:59:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to keep my cool but my god you really are something else.

2011-08-02T01:05:00.000-07:00

This is my 404th blog post on here - holy crap.

I can't sleep, so I just spent the last hour online wedding dress shopping. Which is equal parts retarded & disturbing. Good thing nobody reads this or I'd be embarrassed. If I got married tomorrow this is what I would wear, just FYI:

ugh, I die.

I also really really want this dress, like so badly I could actually kill someone. Just kidding I would never do that, but it's so perfect.

Damn you Catherine Malandrino and your muted classics.

2011-07-31T22:38:00.000-07:00

Life is not a series of countdowns, so I'll stop watching the seconds tick by and instead I'll watch the sun trail across the sky. Setting in surrender at the end of another day lost to the wind, wind chimes in the breeze reminding me it's still cold out and I'm probably still alone. Don't wait, don't hesitate. What we are gifted with by living in the present is nothing short of magic - tomorrow can wait, today needs you to be present. Please live in the moment, please call when the urge strikes. Please laugh out loud. Damp eyes soften to the sounds of your voice, rising and falling across the airwaves. I can feel your fingers tracing my cheek, but moments cannot be held and as quickly as you came you fade away. Sometimes I get tired, and the seconds become less forgiving than the minutes... sometimes I start to wonder. Left eye, right eye, I can't wait to feel your hand in mine. If this isn't reality, if I'm not trying my damnedest to accept the way things are and enjoy the moments that will undoubtedly pass, I've lost. Can you come pick me up?

ps thanks for the video, jack.

call that never came

2011-07-25T23:42:00.000-07:00

When the snow starts to pile up outside of a girl's bedroom window, you can find him staring out of his wishing he were anywhere but the southern hemisphere during her winter. How do you hold someone close when telephone wires only transfer so much energy? Caged in an existence that hinders fate and sequesters love, boundaries placed on what would otherwise be known as emotional freedom. Only so long does patience hold practicality, after that point we are forced to push down doors and break things because we feel no other option, we've been taught no other way. The language of this world we're travelers in is full of love, if we'd simply search for it - you can tell somebody a million ways how dearly admired they are, in a hundred tongues with lips spread to show teeth that bare something akin to the soul. This moment is blessed, the feeling of missing, the empty palms facing upward in constant wonder, the eyes that hold the tears that sometimes chose to rush out at inconvenient moments in ever greater inconvenient places. We're all lost, let's not pretend; some of us just make better looking maps than others.

So when you find somebody whose hand you'd like to hold for the ride - whose heart strings you'd like to double knot to your own - whose feet you can stand on and feel taller than the world - whose hands can circle your face and make you hold your breath in anticipation - whose chair always has room for more than just one - whose simple character flaws make you laugh more than they make you upset - grab them. Find them. Make a way, create a new path, the world is here to explore and we're all just visiting in the end, anyway. Forever curious.

lovin me some 2 door cinema club...

2011-07-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

human condition

2011-07-25T00:59:00.000-07:00

One of the more painful things I've experienced lately is caring a great deal for people and not having those emotions reciprocated, at least not through action. I fall madly in love with certain things that I find worthwhile, from people to cities, time frames to photographs. I've been so attached to a pair of shoes I cried when the soles finally gave out and I was forced with the difficult decision to replace or find a new pair of sneakers to love. It hurts me a great deal when I feel that connection with another human being, I want so badly to be an integral part of their life and perhaps I fulfill that character for a moment in time, but as soon as it arises it seems to go away. Some of my dearest friends know that I feel lost without people who believe in me, people who aren't afraid to use the L word, people who I can trust. I'm a relationship centered being, and I guess it comes down to the fact that I'm just fucking tired of putting in so much effort to connect with people I find interesting or beautiful from the inside out only to be rewarded with an empty call log and pent up thoughts and wonderings I'd like to share, questions that deserve answers. Friends come and go, and I'm a transient soul, but I like to feel my fingerprints touch lives, and those that have made impressions on me are still embedded in my skin like you wouldn't believe. If I keep my head up, I can see the colors looking even more beautiful in the horizon.

PS I haven't cried in one month and two weeks.

sufficient love

2011-07-23T23:50:00.001-07:00

“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal." - 'Ernest Hemingway' from Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris

lay your pride aside

2011-07-22T17:33:00.000-07:00

Do you want the honest truth? I'm terrified that I'll never find love. It's a persistent fear that I try to silence, and I've become so good at it at times I feel it becomes a thing of pride. Of course I don't need somebody to stick around and hold my hand when the sun goes down, to make me laugh when all I feel like doing is screaming. Why would I require another human being to give me praise and accolades when I can revel in the fact that I've accomplished something I'm proud of all by myself? Do you see where I'm going with this? It's incredibly unhealthy, I think, to inhabit that state of mind. I just want somebody to realize that I can't always be an open book, can't always be the shoulder to lean on. I can't always be the best listener and i can't always have infinite advice. I can't always be there when you need me.

I need somebody to realize I'm weak sometimes, too. And damn it, I'm needy!